Episode 9: "Foot in Space"

"Plumber's log, number 1331. During our last battle, Fryguy had discovered, to his shock, that the newcomer "Trashika", for whom he had the hots big time, wasn't really what "she" first seemed. And this was severely traumatising him....Hang on, how do I know about this in the first place? And why do I write it down in my plumber's log? What the hell is a plumber's log anyway? Oh, never mind....."

Fade in to a view of a large field of flowers. Triclyde, in his Trashika dress, complete with wig and make-up, and with Lefty and Righty tucked in his bra is standing there, while a few petals float around him. Fryguy comes running up to him.

-Fryguy: Miss Trashika!

-"Trashika": Oh, Fryguy, it's you!

-Fryguy: Miss Trashika, I have something very important, that I've wanted to tell you for a long time! Please listen!

-"Trashika": I see. Well, I'm listening....

-Fryguy: Allright then....*to himself* here goes, here goes, here goes! *deep breath, then, to Triclyde* I'vvvve got a hhhhot flasssh for you!

-"Trashika": Oh, why Fryguy....*blushes*

-Fryguy: Yay! I said it! Here, these are for you, miss Trashika!

Fryguy then takes out a small, miserable-looking bouquet of flowers and hands them to Triclyde.

-Fryguy: They're the flowers of the tobacco plant....

-"Trashika": Oh, how lovely, thank you! Hmm, wait, I have no arms, how to take these flowers...Here, hang on...

Righty then pops out of Clyde's buste and takes the flowers in his mouth.

-Righty: Thanks, mate.

Righty then brings the flowers to the level of Clyde's middle face, who sniffs their scent and smiles.

-"Trashika": How lovely, that sweet smell of tobacco...

-Fryguy: Oh.....oh my god!

Suddenly, a strong wind rises, and a thick shower of petals blows over the scene. Fryguy struggles amidst this storm of petals

-Fryguy: Eek! Scary! What's happening?! Miss Trashika??

Suddenly, the petal rain stops, and Fryguy finds himself in a dark room, with "Trashika" standing in front of him.

-Fryguy: M....miss Trashika?

At those words, the proper, non-transvestised Triclyde appears behind Fryguy. Lefty and Righty enlace Fryguy, like a pair of arms. Clyde's middle head grins slyly and moves closer to Fryguy's face...

-Clyde: I'm right here, Fryboy. Now, you were saying something about a hot flash?

-Fryguy: N...no! Go away! What are you doing? Let go of me!

-Righty: Go on now, Fryguy, don't fight it....

-Lefty: No use being in the closet about it. You know this is what you want.

-Fryguy: Nooo! I'm scared! Stop this!

-Clyde: Hmm, you're just so cute when you struggle. Now, come to papa.....

Clyde's three heads the open their mouths wide and hurl themselves at a screaming Fryguy, with their exaggeratedly huge and pointy teeth glistening in the dark. It's at that point that Fryguy awakens from this twisted dream, screaming like a maniac. Breathing heavily, he looks around for a while and switches on the lights.

-Fryguy: No way....that dream again...it was so scary...what should I do? I...*sob* I don't know what to *sniff* do anymore! Mmh...Mwaaaaahh! Boohoowaaahahahaaaaa!

Fryguy's miserable wailing can be heard all through Koopa's castle. Koopa himself is standing on a balcony, dressed in a see-through pale pink nightgown (with black lace lingerie clearly showing underneath). The princess is standing next to him, and she comments on Fryguy's loud blubbing:

-Princess: Oh, that's just great. We finally get some time together, and the nicotine nitwit has a freak attack. As if it isn't bad enough having to worry about Mario who could interrupt us any minute! Arrrgh, if only we could kill that bastard Mario!

-Koopa: Heh heh....on that subject, my dear, I think I've found the perfect solution.

-Princess: And that would be...?

Koopa then points his left arm up towards the star-lit night sky and adds these words to his theatrical gesture.

-Koopa: We are escaping into space!

Cut to a shot outside of Koopa's castle, the next morning. A large landing pad has been built, upon which an unusual kind of spaceship is placed. The ship is shaped exactly like a giant foot, and Koopa and the princess are standing in front of it.

-Koopa: Well, how do you like it, hot momma? I call it the Mighty Footsie!

-Princess: Hmm, a spaceship that looks like a foot....It's very you, my ugly rancid major good-for-nothing.

-Koopa: But it gets better, babe. See, the Mighty Footsie's equipped with a highly dangerous particle beam plasma nuclear overdrive murder death mayhem cannon. Once we're in orbit around the planet, we'll use the cannon to blast the entire continent and roast Mario and all those other maniacs! They won't even know what hit them!

-Princess: Brilliant! They've got no chance this time! Ahh, Koopa, you think of everything, my smelly horrible bastard. Mmmh, you remind me of a rancid sewer exhaust pipe, with all the dirty water and crap running out of it, that's how much I hate you, my putrid horse's bum.

-Koopa: Ohhh, baby, you're going so hard on me.

Zoom around the foot-shaped spaceship and zoom in to a shot of Trashika, who had been spying on this scene from behind some fuel barrels, and grins slyly. Fade out and cut to a shot of Triclyde in his quarters, in front of a computer. Lefty and Righty have gotten out his bra. Lefty is holding the pink Trashika wig in his jaws while Righty is operating the PC's mouse. The blue flicker of the screen reflects on Triclyde's faces, as a blueprint image of the Mighty Footsie appears on the screen.

-Triclyde: Well, well, it looks like we'll get our next chance at universal domination sooner than expected, boys. We'll hijack the Mighty Footsie, and with it's firepower in our grasp, the whole planet will be at my mercy! Mu wu ha ha ha haaa!!

-Lefty: Oh, so does that mean no more of this Trashika business?

-Righty: Aww, bummer, it was so nice'n cosy in that bra with you, Lefty.

-Lefty: Don't you ever lay off?

Cut to a shot of Fryguy, walking through the castle halls. Zoom in to his very worried face. He has a short flashback to when Trashika's wig fell off in the last episode. He swallows and then enters the Koopa Kafé bar, where he sees Mouser, looking half-asleep amids empty bottles of heavy alcohol. Fryguy takes a seat next to him.

-Fryguy: Uh...hi.

-Mouser: Shaddup.

-Fryguy:...So, uhm...Trashika's not around?

-Mouser: Thank heavens she's not. Having to see that stupid cow's ugly tarty face first thing in the morning doesn't really lift one's spirits. Pass the whiskey, willya?

Fryguy hands Mouser a nearby bottle that reads "cheapo booze", and he begins to gulp down it's contents. A short silence follows.

-Fryguy: Uhm...Mouser?

-Mouser: *glups* Yeah, what?

Another silence follows, while Mouser continues to empty the bottle into himself. Fryguy then finally summons all his courage and pronounces this phrase:

-Fryguy: What's it like, shagging a guy?

-Mouser: Pfouaaaahhh!!

So overcome by surprise at the sound of this stupid question is Mouser that he spits out the booze all over the place. After he digested the shock, making some coughing and gagging noises, he angrily turns to Fryguy.

-Mouser: What in hell are you playing at?! If this is some kind of joke, you'll regret it, Pall-Mall punkie!

-Fryguy: Shrieeek! No, you're scaring meee!

-Mouser: If you think that's funny, you little twerp, then you've got another thing coming! Grrrr, why I oughtta.....

But at that point, a siren begins to beep and red lights start to flash all over the place. A speaker system begins to belt out this message:

-"Emergency! Emergency! The Mighty Footsie is under attack on the launch pad! All troops to battle stations! Your orders are to defend the ship and insure it's safe take-off!"-

-Mouser: Mighty Footsie? What on earth are they talking about?

-Fryguy: Don't you know? They told us about it in our last mission briefing.

-Mouser: Yes, well, I was out with a hangover at that time, I didn't follow.

-Fryguy: Well, it's a spaceship that Lord Koopa built, and he wants to go into space with that princess Toadstool, to finally get away from Mario.

-Mouser: Say what?!!

Cut to a shot of Mario and the others running towards the launchpad of the Mighty Footsie. Several Koopa Troopas come rushing towards them, shouting like maniacs.

-Mario: Hah, those suckers think they can stand in my way? I'll show them how wrong they are, with my new technique!

Mario then picks up Toad and tosses him into the air. He then grabs Luigi and uses his brother like a baseball bat to knock Toad towards the oncoming enemies, as a deadly projectile. Several Troopas are knocked out by this sudden offense.

-Mario: Ha ha ha ha! That's the deadly sibling-sidekick home run strike combo attack! In yer face! I won't let Koopa kidnap the princess and take her into space!

Cut to a shot of Koopa and the princess in the control room of the spaceship. They're observing the fight outside on the launchpad on a big monitor. Koopa is wearing a Sailor Galaxia costume.

-Princess: Oh, that's just brilliant. Here we are, mere minutes away from launch, and the tubby posse chooses this exact moment to attack! Can't we speed this thing's take-off up a bit, Koopa-honeybuns?

-Koopa: I'm trying, but the ship's not up to full power yet. It'll still take a few minutes until the generator's running at full whack. But we should be able to hold them off long enough. Everything's fine, I assure you, and my costume is perfect for going into space!

-Princess: How true, that plaid metal skirt fits your cute butt very well. Hey, if we're lucky, we can roast them alive with the ship's exhaust blast when we take off!

-Koopa: That's worth a shot, yes.

Koopa then grabs a microphone from the control panel and begins to bark into it.

-Koopa: Allright, status report! How long can we hold Mario and his freaks off?!

An image of Fryguy appears on the monitor with a very distressed look.

-Fryguy: Muh....milord, Koopa Galaxia, it's scary! Mario's mowing down our troops by using his stupid brother as a twisted weapon! I don't think we can hold him off much longer! I'm so scaaared!

-Koopa: Can't you send Mouser in against him? That should slow him down.

-Fryguy: Oh...uhm, well, you see.....

-Koopa: Well, what?

-Fryguy: About Mouser, he's not here. He uhm....he said he had a....a hangover and had to puke, so he didn't come.

-Koopa: Really? That's not at all like him.... Well, look, let Mario come a little closer to the ship and keep him there. It's up to you and Trashika to make sure he gets near the ship, but not -inside-, got that?

-Fryguy: Uhm, yes. But milord, Trashika isn't here either. I haven't seen her all morning.

-Koopa: Trashika goes off as well? Oh well, makes no difference. She's rubbish. Lord know why we hired that person in the first place. Well, don't mess up, okay?

Cut to a shot of Fryguy standing outside the spaceship, heading a pack of Koopa nasties.

-Fryguy: Easy for him to say, I'm so scared! Oh my god, Mario is coming!

-Mario: Wuah ha ha ha ha! Time for a super knuckle sandwich, king of the wimps!

-Fryguy: Kyaaah! No! Koopa idiots, attack him!

However, no-one responds to Fryguy's command. He slowly turns around to see that Yoshi has already eaten the entire batallion of soldiers he was just leading. A lone little Goomba is lying on the floor, half-dead and still mutters these words:

-Dying Goomba: Sorry, sir, but we're all dead.

-Fryguy: Gasp! No way, what should I do?!

-Mario: What you should do is be grateful that I'll make it swift and painless. I have no time to lose, I have to stop that freaky spaceship's take-off. Now prepare to die!

-Fryguy: Eeeek! Nooo, I'm so scaaaared! Run away mooove!

Fryguy darts off at full speed, just as Mario is about to strike him with Luigi. Mario misses his attack and ends up slamming Luigi against the ground with a painful "crash" noise. Fryguy runs away in panic, not quite looking where he's going. He runs into an entrance door of the Mighty Footsie, just as it's about to close. The door then closes behind him, he crashes into a wall and passes out. Mario and the others have also made it into the ship. Using Luigi as a crowbar, they've wrenched away one of the entrance doors. They've then plastered Luigi over the gaping hole left by the wrenched-off door, as a patch-up.

-Mario: Right, now to get the princess out of here before this thing lifts off....

But then, the ship's speaker systems transmit the following message:

-"Ten seconds to take-off. 10...uhm....uh...oh yes, 9....8"-

-Everyone: Oh heck!!

Cut to a shot of Koopa and the princess, seated behind the control panel, while the countdown continues

-"7...6...5...4"-

-Koopa: Don't forget to strap on your safety belts and arm supports, babe.

-Princess: Fine with me, I just don't get why there's a pair of kinky shackles on our chair's arm supports...Oh wait, I do get it.

-Koopa: Well, in any case Mario has failed to stop us. We're off into space allright.

Cut to a shot of Fryguy, who has just regained consciousness and is looking around him.

-Fryguy: Where is this...Oh, I'm in the spaceship?

-"3....2....1...lift-off!!"

The spaceship then begins to rumble and blasts off, which terribly frightens Fryguy. He screams his head off, as he gets squashed flat against the ground by the high pressure of the ship's departure. Cut back to Koopa and the princess, who are also under the effect of the blast-off's extreme pressure.

-Princess: Guh.....there goes my make-up....there goes lunch....

-Koopa: Actually, this feels kinda good...Ah, it's calming down. We made it, we're in space!

The pressure has died down now, as they are now in orbit. A view of the planet below them appears on the control room monitor.

-Koopa: And now, we need to position the cannon's aim so that it'll obliterate the right parts of the planet. The blast radius must be directed so that it eliminates the continent on which I had built the landing pad. After all, that's where Mario still is as of now.

-Princess: Oooh, I was waiting for this! And as a bonus, the cannon's so destructive that it'll also destroy a large part of that continent and kill zillions of innocent inhabitants with one big bang! Ha ha ha ha ha! Now -that- is funny!

-Koopa: Wow, when you do that me-so-psycho routine, you look hot!

-Princess: Down boy, tiger, down. We'll get to the flirty routine later, let's gorge ourselves on massive destruction for now!

But just as the destructive duo reaches for the cannon's controls in front of them, the door to the control room slams open and Mario strides in, with Yoshi and Toad.

-Mario: Hold it right there!

-Princess: Aww, man, does Mario have a crap sense of timing or what?

-Koopa: Fear not, my sweet, I have prepared for this eventuality. My posse of Koopa flunkies will deal with him! Forward, numb-skulled Koopa slaves! Kick Mario's teeth in!

With those words, several doors slide open around Mario, and a flood of Koopa nasties rushes in and relentlessly attacks him. Short fast-forward scene of the Koopa baddies hurling themselves at Mario en masse, squeaking with sadistic joy. While this chaotic scene takes place, the camera zooms out and cuts to a shot of Mouser, who is hiding in the spaceship's air venting pipe system. He's crawling through the long airshaft pipes, with an annoyed expression on his face.

-Mouser: Oh, gimme a break, why does every spaceship have such long air venting pipes in it?! Okay, so they make a good place to hide as a stowaway, if you want to sneak on board a ship without anyone noticing, which is just what I did, only it happened offscreen because it was too expensive to animate...Man, now I'm talking to myself. These damned airvents are driving me nuts! I've got a boyfriend to save from the clutches of a warped bimbo freak, I need to get out of here! And of course, there's no hatch or exit grille when you need one! Very well then, I'll make my own exit! Hyaaah!

Angered, he punches a hole into the pipe he was crawling around in and uses this as a improvised exit route. He finds himself in a storage chamber, filled with boxes that read "XTC, do not touch. Warning: risk of overdose".

-Mouser: Right, now I need to get to Lord Koopa, pronto!

Cut back to Mario, who has by now obliterated all the Koopa baddies that were thrown at him. Yoshi and Toad have also passed out and are lying among the heaps of bruised and battered flunkies.

-Koopa: No way! All of my troops were beaten?!

-Mario: Koopa, haven't you grasped it yet? Every time an overly huge mass of minor nasties is chucked at me, I somehow thrash them after all! It may not be logical, it may be odd that it always happens offscreen, it may not be physically possible in real life, but hey, if that's what the writer's say happens, then that's what happens.

-Koopa: What are we going to do now?! The scenario's debility is not operating in our favor!

-Mario: And now, it's time for the part where I beat you up, save the princess, and end the episode with a dumb pun.

-Koopa: Oh, not again, pleeease! Anything but the dumb pun!

-Princess: Damn, we were -so- close!

-Mario: No use fighting it, Koopa, it's the way the wheel of repetitive and uninventive episode formulas turns, there's no escaping it...

But at that point, a door slides open behind Mario, and an injection needle is inserted into the left side of Mario's bum.

-Mario: Yeeouch! What the...?!

Angered, Mario turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Triclyde. Lefty is holding an empty injection needle between his teeth and gins nastily.

-Lefty: That needle contained a high-power hallucinogen. I picked it up from a box in a storage chamber.

-Mario: You...Trampclyde...I'll....oooh, look at the sheep...pretty little sheep...

Mario then faints, with a woozy expression on his face.

-Triclyde: Good, looks like that dodgy hallucinogen injection really works. How fortunate that Koopa packed this spaceship full of intoxicating materials, for a reason which we can probably all guess.

-Koopa: Good work, Triclyde! You've proven yourself worthy of being a Koopa minion!

-Triclyde: That's what you think. I never said I was on your side.

Camera then zooms in on Righty, who is holding a gun between his lips, pointed at Koopa and the princess.

-Triclyde: Now you two will do as I say. And I say die!

Righty is just about to squeeze the trigger, when a voice cuts into this scene.

-Mouser: Not another move, Clyde!

Camera zooms out and reveals that Mouser is standing behind Triclyde, with a machine gun pointed at him.

-Triclyde: Oh, it's you again...

-Mouser: Ever since you rebelled against lord Koopa, you're on my black list, right behind that ugly princess Toadstool. Everyone who is an enemy of lord Koopa, or an obstacle to my happiness with him must die, period! Nothing, and I do mean nothing in the whole world will keep me away from my beloved! The power of love is a furious and intense force! And after I'm through with you, the cheapo princess will be next!

-Triclyde: Well, maybe not. Koopa and the princess have sneaked away while you were having your monologue.

-Mouser: Gasp!

Camera zooms out to show that Koopa and the princess are well and truly gone. Cut to a shot of Koopa and the princess installed in one of the ship's escape pods.

-Koopa: Things are getting too risky on board this ship, we must get out of here!

-Princess: We never even got to blow up the planet...what a bummer...

Koopa then presses the escape pod's "launch" button, and the thing is shot out of the Mighty Footsie, after which it hurtles down towards the planet. The escape pod then lands in a desert, and Koopa and the princess pop out of the vessel.

-Princess: Now where in hell are we?! We must be miles and miles away from the Mushroom kingdom! What a rip-off!

Cut back to Mouser and Triclyde in the spaceship. Mouser looks most displeased at Triclyde.

-Mouser: You arse! You moron! Now you've done it!

-Triclyde: What, so now it's my fault?!

-Mouser: Damn right it is! That disgusting princess escaped, and she took my lord Koopa with her! Arrrgh! Dammitohell! But they won't get away with it, oh no they won't!

-Triclyde: Uhm...not sure if I want to know this, but what are you planning exactly?

-Mouser: They must've taken an escape pod and returned to the planet with that. Let's see....

Mouser then checks a few monitor displays, and then looks up, even more angered.

-Mouser: Yes, the computer confirms that one of the Mighty Footsie's escape pods has just evacuated. Which means that she must have reached the planet by now and have her filthy paws all over my man! Well, I won't allow it! She'll get a surprise from this!

-Triclyde: Wait, what are you doing?!

-Mouser: I'll use the Mighty Footsie's on-board cannon at full blast and blow up the entire goddamn planet!!

-Triclyde: What?! You're crazy!

Triclyde rushes towards Mouser, intent on stopping him, but Mouser just takes out a grenade launcher and aims it at Clyde's face, which stops him dead in his tracks.

-Triclyde: Oops...

-Mouser: Don't try to stop me. That tramp is messing with my lord Koopa, which means that se must die, and the entire planet with her, if that's what it takes!

-Triclyde: But you'll also kill Koopa if you do that.

-Mouser: Oh, shut up! I've had it up to here! I can't take it anymore, I just want to wreck everything, dammit! And I'll start by blowing off your dumb face so that you finally shut yer trap!

-Triclyde: But if you fire a grenade launcher in here, you'll blow a huge hole in the ship's hull and we'll all suffocate.

-Mouser: Bullocks! Our scenario writers are too dumb to understand how gravity works, and they never got that bit about not being able to breathe in space either! Now stop contradicting me!

-Triclyde: Now you just know that what you're doing makes no sense and that you should....

However, at that point, Mario interferes. He has stumbled back on his feet and is swaying around the room, apparently still in trance from the drug that Clyde injected into his bum.

-Mario: Ooohh, look at the little sheep...all those pretty little sheep....

-Mouser: What in the world is he talking about?

-Triclyde: Looks like that drug works a little -too- well.

Swaying and stumbling around, Mario ends up stepping on the hand of the unconscious Toad.

-Toad: Yeeeooowww! That hurts! Mario, you swine!

-Mario: Sheep, so many sheep....look at all those sheep....

Yoshi gradually awakens as well at this point.

-Yoshi: Mmmhh...what's all the yelling about? And did someone just mention sheep? I feel like lamb chops! Tasty!

-Mario: Oohhh, over there, look! It's a giant red sheep!

Mario then begins to stumble towards a big red button on a wall behind him. A sign above this red button reads:

-"Self-destruct switch. Paws off!"-

-Triclyde: Yikes! He's going to press the self-destruct button!

-Mario: Big red sheeep, come to meee.....

Before anyone can stop him, Mario places his hands on the self-destruct button, assuming in his drugged trance that it's an attractive large red sheep. The button is then pressed down, and red lights immediately begin to flash. The speaker system belts out an urgent message.

-"Warning- self-destruct mechanism activated. We're going to blow up in just a jiffy. Wee, bang, bang! If you don't want to get killed, you boring person, you can always make a sprint for the escape pods. See ya!"-

-Toad: To the escape pods, and fast!

Toad and Yoshi then run away and drag the still-dazed Mario with them. The three hop into an escape pod and blast off. Two more escape pods remain. Triclyde jumps into one of them and escapes the soon-to-explode ship. Cut to a shot of Triclyde inside the escape pod.

-Triclyde: Okay, so I messed up this time, but I'll get another chance to conquer the Koopa empire, I'm sure of it!

-Lefty: Does this mean we must go back to posing as Trashika?

-Triclyde: I'm afraid so, yes....

-Righty: Oh, goodie!

Cut back to a shot inside the Mighty Footsie. Mouser boards the last pod, but just when the door to his escape pod is about to close, a high-pitched voice is heard, and Fryguy comes running towards the pod, in panic.

-Fryguy: Wait for meeee! Don't leave me here, I'm so scaaaaared! Eeeeek!!

He jumps into the escape pod, out of breath and drenched in sweat.

-Fryguy: Hurry, start this thing and get us out of here!

-Mouser: Right away! I'm going back to the planet to kill that stupid princess and make lord Koopa mine! Lift-off!

The last escape pod is then launched as well. As the the three pods drift down towards the planet, the Mighty Footsie explodes loudly. Cut to a shot inside Mario and co's escape pod. Mario has fallen asleep and mumbles a bit.

-Mario: Zzz....all those sheep have exploded....oooh, exploding sheep......sheep go boom-boom....

-Toad: Well, we got out of that spaceship safely, but...somehow, I get the feeling that we forgot something.

-Yoshi: Really? That's strange, I don't see what you're talking about at all.

-Toad: Nah, it's probably nothing important *dumb grin*.

Cut to a shot of a fazed-looking Luigi, who is drifting motionless through space with some debris of the Mighty Footsie. Sound of crows cawing in the background. Fade out.

END of this episode