Episode 8: "The Thrilling Adventures of the Lovely Charming Super Hero!"

"Plumber's log, number 99999, 99. We had arrived in the kingdom of Yawnin, and were seeking for help against Koopa. And then..."

-Princess: Hold it, hold it, just a minute. Mario, why in the world do nine episodes out of ten force us to drag ourselves to some stupid location, supposedly "looking for help against Koopa"?

-Mario: Well, it's not my fault, it's the script that says so, and...

-Yoshi: What's a script? Is it something tasty?

-Princess: Nobody will buy the old blame-it-on-the-script excuse, Mario. Now look at this place. Already it's name is "the kingdom of Yawnin", which is not a good start. But it goes steadily downhill from there: there are only 15 inhabitants, and 75% of them can't read.

-Toad: Kinda like our animation staff....

-Princess: There is no electricity or running water, everyone is a complete and utter moron and strictly nothing ever happens, whatsoever. And it's the same thing for every crummy kingdom we have to travel to. What in the world do you think you can find here that will be of any use whatsoever?! What kind of an utterly debile plot premise is this?! Why doesn't someone just shoot our scriptwriters?!

-Toad: Actually, I just did.

-Princess: *thinking to herself* Oh man, this Mario dork is hopeless! I hate getting dragged to boring middle-of-nowhere locations by him! Just wait until I'm back with Koopa, then we'll sort him out once and for all.

-Mario: Well, look, I know that trekking to such dull locations and giving a display of extremely lame witticisms isn't exactly fun, but this is different. You see, in this kingdom of Yawnin, there's a mighty super hero, and his name is the great Snafoo!

-Princess: Come again?

-Mario: The heroic exploits of Snafoo are famous the world over, and this kingdom is his home! If anyone can help us punch Koopa's beer gut in, it's Snafoo!

-Yoshi: I don't know what a Snafoo is, but it sounds pretty tasty.

-Toad: A-herm, Mario, I don't really know how to tell you this....

-Mario: What? What is it?

-Toad: Snafoo is nothing but an elaborate fabrication. The tale of Snafoo is a silly fairy story told to dopey kids who will believe anything.

-Princess: And Mario's mental level is about equal to that.

-Toad: So basically, this Snafoo person is a bit like a Santa Claus-style thing, only less well-marketed.

-Mario: I fail to see the connection...

-Toad: *sigh* The connection is simple: Snafoo doesn't exist.

-Mario: Yes, but what does that have to do with Santa Claus?

-Toad: *sweatdrop* I don't see why I bother. Look, even if he existed, with a name like Snafoo, he'd probably be a hopeless twot. So no big loss there.

-Mario: Well, it's still a major rip-off! Snafoo, you bastard! Damn you to hell for not existing! Grrr, I really need something to take out my frustrations on.

Mario then picks up a large rock and pounds it against Luigi's face a few times. He then kicks Luigi away into the distance.

-Princess: So basically, we came all this way for strictly no reason whatsoever, and it's all Mario's fault....

-Toad: I say we beat him up with a big pointy stick for this.

-Mario: I dare you to.

-Princess: Hrrrmph, Mario is such an idiot, he makes a complete mess out of absolutely everything! *to herself* I sure wish I was with Koopa now...

Fade out and cut to a shot of Triclyde, standing in front of a large mirror. He's wearing a pale turkis dress and a mock pearl necklace. His middle face is smeared with gratuitous, tarty-looking make-up. His two outermost heads are trying to fit a large, bright pink wig onto the middle head. They sort of succeed, and contemplate themselves in the mirror. The middle head then sighs deeply.

-Triclyde (middle head): Oh man, the things I don't have to do to have another go at global domination. I never thought I'd have to revert to transvestite practises. It's humiliating, I look godawful.

The leftmost head then turns to the middle head and gives it a long, languid stare.

-Triclyde (leftmost head): Oh, on the contrary, I think you're the most ravishing creature I've ever seen. Slurrrp, your perfume drives me wild, you major studmuffin, you.

-Triclyde (middle head): *big sweatdrop* Lefty, his isn't the right time for that kind of thing. Now, we've almost finished our disguise, we only need to add the final touch.

-Triclyde (rightmost head): *groan* Must we really do this?

-Triclyde (middle head): Yes, we do. We need to look as authentic as possible. Koopa is having job interviews to find someone to replace me today. Disguised as a woman, we'll pass this interview. That way, we'll be back in the Koopa empire, with a second chance at taking control. But for that, Righty, we really must do this thoroughly. Now, Lefty, Righty, hide inside my bra and make like a pair of knockers.

Grumbling, Triclyde's left and rightmost heads retract their necks and nestle themselves in the cups of the bra he's wearing.

-Triclyde (middle head): Yes, that looks convincing enough. Try not to move or make noise while you're in there.

The muffled voice of Righty is heard, mumbling these words:

-"It's really crowded in here, and I can't breathe well. And Lefty keeps trying to bite my nose"-

-Triclyde: It'll never work this way...

Fade out and cut to a shot of a large poster with Koopa on it. He's dressed in a feathered, bright pink bikini, with a stern expression on his face, and is pointing his left index finger forward. The text on the poster reads "I WANT YOU....baby". Camera scrolls down to reveal the following text at the bottom of the poster:

-"Job opening: We're currently looking for someone to replace our recently kicked out Third Dumbbell Sidekick (tm). Please apply, we'll take just about anyone. Honestly. And all you have to do is hang around a crummy bar. Okay, so the pay's rotten, and you'll have perverted maniacs as your colleagues and as your superior as well, but still, you know, give it a go. Or not. See if we care."-

Fade out and cut to a shot of Fryguy, behind a desk, with a big cigar between his lips. Opposite to him is a dopey-looking middle-aged man wearing a pair of panties on his head.

-Fryguy: So, you came for the job? You must really be desperate.

The strange guy replies to this in these words

-Weirdo guy: I sure am. Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Snafoo. I used to be a bit of a hero-type, that is, until the panties-on-the-head look went out of fashion. It's all Sailor Senshi and Pocket Monsters now, the hero business has no more room for me. Still, it's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks, right?

-Fryguy: Yes, well, I'm afraid you're not quite what we're looking for, Mister Snafoo. Thank you for your time, you may leave now. Please call in the next applicant on your way out.

-Snafoo: Aww, what a rip-off.

Cut to a shot of Triclyde, still in his dress, with Lefty and Righty tucked in his bra and out of sight. He's sitting on a chair outside of a big door with a sign on it that reads "Job interviews here". Muffled voices can be heard from time to time.

-"No, Lefty, stop that, not now."

-"But Righty, your nose is so cute. I want to nibble it."

The door then opens and Snafoo walks out. Upon witnessing this, Triclyde has the following reaction.

-Triclyde: Ha ha ha ha! That silly face!

-Snafoo: *sigh* No-one respects an ex-hero anymore. Well, it's your turn now, bloke in a dress. Good luck.

Triclyde then pops into Fryguy's "office", and in a most phoney and unconvincing high-pitched girly voice, he speaks these words:

-Triclyde: *a-herm* Hellooo there, big boy. Well, my lil' ol' name's Trashika, and I came for that job you offer there.

-Fryguy: *to himself* Trashika....Whoa, she's hot! *then to Triclyde* Well, I have news you for you, miss Trashika, you've got the job!

-Triclyde: Eh? Really?

-Fryguy: Sure thing. Come down to the Koopa Kafé bar with me, I'll show you around!

-Triclyde: *to himself* Hmm, this is going better than I expected.

Fade out and cut to a view of Mouser's room, still with the various Koopa-worshipping items, now including the pair of black, skull-imprinted boxers, framed and hanging from a wall. Zoom in to Mouser, who is lying asleep in bed, mumbling these words in his slumber:

-Mouser: Mmmmhhnn...oh...Lord Koopa....ahh, that hurts so good....don't stop, milord....

Suddenly, an alarm clock begins to ring, and he wakes up with a start, gasping for breath. He then slowly turns to the ringing alarm clock and gives the object a long, menacing stare from his still-sleepy and baggy eyes. He slowly pulls a six-shooter from underneath his pillows, points it at the alarm clock, and blows it to bits with a well-aimed gunshot.

-Mouser: That'll teach you to walk in on me and Lord Koopa when we were -this- close......even if it was just a dream. Man, my head sure hurts now....

He then slumps out of bed, slips on a pair of snug-fitting black leather trousers and a shiny pink leather jacket, and walks off, in the direction of the Koopa Kafé. However, on his way there, he spots Snafoo, who is standing in one of the castle halls, staring at one of the "I WANT YOU......baby" job application posters, with Koopa's picture on them.

-Snafoo: That Koopa jerk...Damn him! How dare they turn me down like this?! And then they hire the bloke in the dress straight away! What a bunch of bastards! Grrr!

No longer able to contain himself, Snafoo then tears the poster from the wall and begins to rip it to pieces.

-Snafoo: Die, Koopa, die!!

Upon witnessing this, Mouser slowly but surely walks up to Snafoo, with a menacing glare.

-Mouser: And just what do you think -you- are doing?

-Snafoo: I'm ripping up a poster of a perverted freak. What's it to you, rat?

-Mouser: Right, that just about does it. I'll have you know I'm in a very bad mood in the mornings!

-Snafoo: But it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

-Mouser: Don't contradict me! It really gets on my tits! Now eat this!

Mouser then punches Snafoo right in the face. The impact of this punch sends Snafoo flying. He crashes through a castle wall and is flung off into the distance, screaming like a maniac. Fade out and cut to a shot of Triclyde and Fryguy in the Koopa Kafé bar.

-Fryguy: Well, this is the place. The food is absolutely rancid, and there really isn't anything to do besides taking an overdose of intoxicating materials. We did have a pool table, but...

Cut to a rapid shot of a pool table, smashed in half, with crushed 8-balls and broken que sticks lying around.

-Fryguy:...Mouser lost his temper when he kept losing and smashed it up. It was really scary! Then, Lord Koopa had an arcade game installed here. It was called "lovely dynamite pixie warrior Sweety Candy fighters Super R". Lord Koopa seems to like that kind of thing. Playing it was kinda scary....but alas, Mouser kept losing again, and it got on his nerves, so he ripped out the control sticks and threw the machine against a wall. He's a little strange...

-Triclyde: Oh, tell me something I don't know.

At that point, Mouser pops up behind Fryguy

-Mouser: Oi, smokey, that's my seat you're in. Push off.

-Fryguy: Yeek! Okay, okay, please don't do anything scary!

-Mouser: Hrmmm....*turns to Triclyde* and what do you call this?

-Fryguy: Oh, this is our new employee, and her name's Trashika!

-Mouser: Tsch, you couldn't choose a hot guy, of course, you little tobacco twerp.

-Fryguy: Come on now, be nice to her...

-Mouser: Don't you start to tell me what to do here! Now listen up, newcomer!

-Triclyde: Ah....you mean me?

-Mouser: That's right. First rule here: Lord Koopa is mine. Come anywhere near him and you'll be picking shotgun shells outta your tampax. I'll have you know that I don't like women at all. Now, you got all that, newcomer?!

-Fryguy: Mouser, c'mon, don't be so rude to her.

-Mouser: You keep your ciggie-breath outta this, or else...!!

-Fryguy: Aieee, it's scary! Mommyyyy, I want a Camel!

-Triclyde: Uhmm, well, if you boys don't mind, I'll just pop down to the little girls room and powder my lil' ol' nose, okies?

Clyde then rushes off into the ladies' room, where he speaks these words:

-Triclyde: Okay boys, you can come out now.

His two outermost heads, Lefty and Righty immediately pop out from his dress, gasping for breath.

-Lefty: Phew...oof, any longer and I would've suffocated in that bra!

-Righty: Actually, I was beginning to think it was quite cosy in there.

-Lefty: I don't want to hear anymore from you, Righty! Clyde, this whole Trashika masquerade isn't working out! What if you forget to give us a breathing pause, and we really end up dying of suffocation?!

-Clyde: Well, what do you suggest I do about it? Give you a friggin' oxigen tank?

-Righty: Hmm, and in what part of your dress would you hide an oxigen tank, eh?

-Clyde: Well, for now, you'll just have to endure this bra thing, Lefty. Try to take only shallow breaths. Now get back in there, I can't stay in the can all day long.

-Lefty: *sigh* Oh, allright then. And if you try anything freakish on me while we're in there, Righty, I'll scream!

-Clyde: Oh no, I can't have a buste that begins to scream, that'd give us away!

Cut to a shot of Mario, running along the muddy, empty roads of Yawnin. Toad and the princess are chasing him, brandishing pointed sticks. They run around in circles, while Yoshi just sits there in the background, and watches them with glee.

-Toad: That's the last time you'll drag us to a cruddy kingdom for no reason at all! Eat pointed stick punishment, Mario!

-Mario: I was prepared for this! Luigi Shield, go!

Mario the takes out Luigi and uses him as a shield to block the pointy stick blows from Toad and the princess.

-Mario: And now, I'm on the attack! Luigi Swipe!

Mario swings Luigi around horizontally, like a sword, but Toad and the princess just jump away. Luigi ends up getting smashed against a nearby big boulder. Yoshi then speaks up.

-Yoshi: Ha ha ha ha ha! Now that's entertaining! Go for it, guys!

At that point, a screaming figure comes falling from the sky and crashes onto Yoshi. Snafoo, for it is him, then picks himself up and rubs his badly bruised jaw.

-Snafoo: Owww, that sure hurts...Hmm, that kid...

He has a rapid flashback to the angry look Mouser gave him.

-Snafoo: Man, he has some punch! He's my type! I like him, he's hot!

Mario and the others then menacingly approach Snafoo.

-Toad: Who -is- this freak?

-Mario: He looks almost as hopelessly debile as Luigi.

-Yoshi: Should I eat him?

-Snafoo: Ah, wait, you don't understand! I'm actually pretty famous around here! You may have heard about me; my name's Snafoo!

-Princess: Nope, never heard of.

-Mario: But princess, Snafoo is the one I was just telling you about!

-Princess: Oh yeah, that totally slipped my mind.

-Mario: See, Snafoo does exist! I bet he's still on an amazing adventure as of now!

-Snafoo: Nah, not really. I just came from there.

With those words, Snafoo points to a shoddily drawn castle-like building in the distance.

-Toad: But...that is...!!

-Mario: It's one of Koopa's kookie castles! And Snafoo went in there on his own! I told you he was one hell of a hero!

-Snafoo: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to that castle thingie.

-Mario: Wow! He gets knocked down, but he goes right back in!

-Toad: Only a real idiot would do such a thing....

-Mario: Snafoo, we will all come with you to help out with your fight against Koopa!

-Toad: Not on yer life. We're not going in there with you two twerps, no chance.

-Princess *thinking* Hmm, it might be a good idea to go there with Mario. While we're in that castle, I'll find a moment to sneak off and join Koopa again, and then we'll kill Mario with the many traps and guards inside the castle! Heh heh heh heh....

Cut to a shot of Snafoo and the Mario gang standing outside Koopa's castle.

-Snafoo: Now, how do we get in there?

-Mario: Don't panic, I've got just the thing! The Luigi hammer technique!

Mario picks up Luigi and slams him against the castle wall repeatedly, but nothing happens.

-Mario: These castle walls are too solid! Luigi, you absolute no-hoper! You're useless! Arrrgh!

Angered, Mario hurls Luigi to the ground and stomps on him a few times.

-Yoshi: So, what do we do now?

-Mario: You could eat us a hole into the castle walls....

-Yoshi: Ooohhh, owww, my stomach hurts.

-Mario: Never mind...

-Toad: This is just a suggestion, but what if we just used the door?

Everyone then turns around and notices that Toad is pointing to a large doorway, wide open, with nothing in their way whatsoever. Loud crow-cawing resounds in the background. Cut to a shot of the Mario bunch, sneaking around Koopa's castle, wearing paper bags over their heads.

-Mario: Hah! Our disguise is perfect! No-one will figure out that it's really us!

Suddenly, an alarm siren begins to ring, and a speaker system belts out these words:

-"Warning! Warning! The Mario gang have invaded our fortress, wearing paper bags on their heads! Engage battle immediately! Fire at will and shoot to kill!"-

-Mario: Then again, maybe not....

Immediately, a long whip comes lashing onto the screen. It enlaces the princess' ankle and drags her away, to a grinning Koopa, with several troops standing around him.

-Mario: No way! Koopa's got the princess!

-Princess: *happily surprised* Koopa, it's you!

-Koopa: Yo, your feet are looking as slurp-tastic as ever! Well, now to finish off Mario and those other no-hopers! Activate the Thwomps!

Several Thwomps then come crashing down, and Luigi is crushed by one of them. While more Thwomps begin to slam down around the Mario bunch, they gradually panic.

-Snafoo: Eeek! What is going on here?!

-Toad: It's terrible! Those Thwomps are surrounding us!

Camera zooms out and shows that the Thwomps have formed a circle around Mario and co, which means they're well and truly trapped now. Mouser, Fryguy and Triclyde (still in drag) then jump into this Thwomp circle and face Mario.

-Mouser: Hu ha ha ha ha! Now, you're imprisoned in our Thwomp arena!

-Mario: Naah, I can just jump over these naff Thwomps.

-Mouser: Think again, porky!

The ceiling then lowers itself, making it impossible to jump over the wall of Thwomps.

-Mario: Oh well, what's the difference?

-Mouser: The difference is that you can't escape me now! I'll send you to a gatling-gun grave!

-Snafoo: Oh! It's him! It's my hottie boy!

-Everyone: Huh??

Snafoo the rushes up to Mouser and takes his hands.

-Snafoo: Please, I beg of you, punch me again! It felt so good! Punch me, please!

-Mouser: It'll be my pleasure! Eat it!

With his thundering fist, Mouser then knocks out a few of Snafoo's teeth. This sends Snafoo slamming against the Thwomp walls, where he remains unconscious.

-Mouser: And now, you will all die!

-Fryguy: Mouser, wait a minute! Let me fight them this time!

-Mouser: You? What in the world can -you- do?

-Fryguy: Trust me, I won't fail this time...*to himself* I'll give it my all! In front of the beautiful miss Trashika, I'll show my strength, as a man!

-Mouser: Well, fine by me, go ahead if you must. See if I care what happens to you.

-Fryguy: Okay! Miss Trashika, I'll fight this battle in name of you!

-Triclyde: Oh....uhm, great.

Fryguy then takes out the Kaleido Moon Smoke and points it at Mario.

-Fryguy: Mario! We still have some unfinished business! But I'm not the same as before!

-Mouser: Oh, that's right, you did switch to a different brand of cigarettes. But will that make any difference?

-Fryguy: Just leave this to me! By the power of the Kaleido Moon Smoke, the cigarettes of this world are mine to command! Legato, Merryl, Wolfwood! It's up to you now! Attack!

Once again, nothing at all happens.

-Toad: I see, we're back to this again...

-Mario: He's making an idiot out of himself, as usual. I'll just punch his face in, shall I?

-Fryguy: Hah! I still have my Run Away Move! Here goes!

He then turns around and begins to leg it...and runs right into the Thwomp wall, which causes him to pass out.

-Mouser: Stupid...

-Mario: We all saw that coming. Now for a quick Luigi club attack to finish this!

-Toad: Only Luigi just got crushed under a Thwomp.

-Mario: What?! No way! Luigi, you stupid bastard! *sigh* Oh well, I'll just have to use Toad, then.

-Toad: What?? Ooooh no, you wouldn't dare...!

But it's too late. Mario grabs Toad and flings him at Mouser and Triclyde. Mouser rapidly dodges this, but Clyde is hit right in the face and passes out, as well as Toad.

-Mario: And another one bites the dust! That just leaves the gay rat.

-Mouser: Hrrrmmm, you'll soon regret using that kind of language! A couple of UZI's should be enough to teach you some manners, the hard way! Eat it!

Several UZI rounds are fired at Mario, who jiggles around in hysteria to avoid them.

-Mouser: Wu hu ha ha ha ha ha! No use, Mario! You won't get away! And if you don't feel like UZI, I'll gladly switch to going bazooka ballistic! Uwaah ha ha ha ha!

He then produces a large bazooka and prepares to fire.

-Mario: Yikes! This is bad! Quick, Yoshi, we need you now! Eat us a way out of this Thwomp prison!

-Yoshi: No, I'm too full. I can't eat another bite....

-Mario: That's bull! You haven't eaten for a moderately halfway long period of time! What could have made you full?

-Yoshi: *burp* Well, I was getting bored, so I ate Snafoo.

-Mario: What??!

Mario then notices a half-eaten slip hanging from Yoshi's lips: the very same slip that Snafoo used to be wearing on his head.

-Yoshi: He was cannabis-flavoured! Pretty tasty!

-Mario: Now what will we do?!

-Mouser: You'll die, that's what! Fire!!

A smoking missile is then fired from Mouser's bazooka. Mario and Yoshi dodge it, and it ends up blowing up the Thwomp wall. Before the smoke clears up, Mario and Yoshi, dragging the knocked-out Toad with them run away, but Mouser is right behind them, spraying bullets left, right and center. Fryguy then wakes up and notices that Triclyde is still lying there, unconscious.

-Fryguy: Oh no, miss Trashika! Say something! Miss Trashika, are you allright?!

Concerned, he then tries to shake Triclyde a bit, in order to wake him up. However, this causes Clyde's pink wig to slide off his head. Fryguy's eyes widen, he screams at the top of his lungs and faints again. Cut to Koopa and the princess, in a luxurious suite, where they're beholding how Mouser chases Mario through the kingdom of Yawnin.

-Princess: Ha ha ha ha! This is hysterical!

-Koopa: We really should do this more often, don't you think?

-Princess: Fully agreed! Ah, this is the life!

-Koopa: How about driving over some innocent bystanders with steam rollers later on?

-Princess: Sounds great! Wee, we have so much fun together!

-Koopa: Just wait, my dear, it'll only get better and better.

-Princess: Ahh, my big glob of repulsive toxic waste, how you revolt me....mmmmh

Cut to a shot of Mario himself, still running in panic, with hefty ammo exploding all around him.

-Mario: Aaahhh, enough already! I got the message! This is the last time I'll go for the dumb "travel to some crap kingdom to look for help against Koopa" scenario! Once I get my hands on the scriptwriters, they'll be dead!

Fade out as the explosive Mario-Mouser chase scene continues....

END of this episode