Episode 3: Doctor of my Heart.

"Plumber's log, number 911. We had received this distress call from king Penicillin of Medicaland. Since we had nothing else to do, we decided to pay him a visit and see what was wrong. Besides, it was bound to be something strictly meaningless like a lost contact lens or something. Anyway, we went to Medicaland and were received in king Penicillin's castle...."

Fade in to a shot of a large skyscraper-like building. A large red cross and red neon letters spelling "Medicaland royal castle" light up on the building's front. Inside, Mario and his gang are standing opposite to a nervous-looking king Penicillin

-Penicillin: Oh, thank heavens you came! It's terrible! You must help me, I beg of you!

-Mario: Hey, no sweat, we'll find your lost contact lens!

-Penicillin: My contact lens has got nothing to do with it! No, it's my daughter, Princess Aspirin. She was kidnapped!

-Mario: Oh, I see, and so you called the experts of Princess-rescuing, eh?

-Penicillin: I did, but they were too busy so I had to resort to you lot....

-Mario: Hrrrm...*sweatdrop*. Well, you know that heroism doesn't come cheap. We won't do this unless you pay us big time!

-Yoshi: And give us lots of food!

-Penicillin: Anything you say! Just as long as you can bring my dear Princess Aspirin back!

-Luigi: But that's impossible. We have no idea where she is, we're all so useless and powerless. We can't do anything.....

-Toad: Oh, shut up, you sound like you're reading from an Evangelion script.

-Princess: Yeah, as if we could ever afford scriptwriters of that caliber...

-Mario: But he does have a point. We have no clue as to where we might find this Princess Aspirin person.

-Penicillin: Don't worry! I managed to identify the kidnapper, and I even have a picture. The one who kidnapped my daughter is the dreaded Nurse Koopa!

The king produces a photo of Koopa dressed in a hospital nurse's uniform, complete with high-tops and stockings, and holds it up to Mario's face

-Princess: What?!

-Mario: Oh, kinky Koopa's at it again, eh?

-Toad: *flat, monotone voice* Man, what a surprise....

-Penicillin: Nurse Koopa has taken my daughter to his clinic. You must go there and rescue her!

-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a clinic?

-Mario: Well, I dunno...you still haven't told us what we're getting for it.

-Princess: *to herself* What the heck is this all about?! Is Koopa cheating on me with this Princess Aspirin? Or is she trying to steal Koopa away from me? Why would he kidnap someone else besides me? What is the relation between Koopa and this other woman? I've got to find out what this is all about, and make sure that Koopa remains mine!

-Mario: So you see, king Penicillin, we're just about the best in the business, and our wages are pretty high....

-Princess: Never mind that! We're going to storm Nurse Koopa's clinic right away! Chaaaarge!

The Princess rushes out of the room, dragging the four others behind her.

-Penicillin: But...but wait! I haven't even told you where Nurse Koopa's clinic is yet!

Fade out and cut to a view of Koopa's clinic -another big hospital-like building, only this time emblazoned with a large logo that reads -"Koopa Clinic"- Cut to a shot of the clinic cantine. Mouser, Triclyde and Fryguy are sitting around the bar, in their usual slumped poses. Mouser is wearing a white lab coat, and Triclyde is wearing stethoscopes on his three heads.

-Triclyde: Oh man, that was some fiasco at the Devil world...I need a coffee.....

A large mug of coffee is shoved in front on Triclyde. His leftmost head sighs and dunks it's snout into the mug, and proceeds to make gross slurping noises.

-Fryguy: *takes a cigarette from between his lips and blows some smoke rings. He then looks at the cofee-slobbering Triclyde* Won't his left head drown like that?

-Mouser: Who cares? I don't see why we're wasting our time in this dump. I mean, what does lord Koopa want with yet another Princess anyway?

-Fryguy: Heh heh, didn't you know? By kidnapping another woman, he wants to make his sweetheart jealous.

-Mouser: But, there's no need for him to make me jealous! He knows that I will forever love him as it is!

-Fryguy: I wasn't referring to you, you dope! Man, you are so dense! By "his sweetheart", I meant Princess Toadstool, and not you of course.

-Mouser: Sob...you could put it more delicately. A human heart feels pain so easily. Therefore, all men are fundamentally alone....

-Fryguy: Yeah, now where did I hear that line before?

-Triclyde: Oh drat, my leftmost nose got stuck in this darned coffee mug. Hey, can someone get this mug off my nose?

-Mouser: If it's a nose job you want, go to the fifth floor.

-Triclyde: No, get this coffee mug off my nose! Not "get this nose off my mug"!

-Mouser: Oh, that. Actually, I think it sort of suits you.

-Fryguy: Well, anyway, aren't we supposed to be preparing the defenses around the clinic, in case we get attacked?

-Triclyde: Hmm, that's right. We're usually buried with new combat orders in the mornings, but they're late today...

-Fryguy: Well, you know that lord Koopa's not really a morning person. He's probably still taking a lengthy shower right now.

-Mouser: Gulp....Lord Koopa....taking a shower...?? Whoaaa!!

Mouser falls to the ground, with large streams of blood shooting from his nostrils, and then faints.

-Fryguy: Eeeek! Scary! I can't stand the sight of blood! Quick,a cigarette!

-Triclyde: Man, that was some nosebleed. I never knew Mouser had it for lord Koopa that bad....

-Fryguy: Hmm...yeah.... *sweatdrop*

Suddenly, an alarm bell rings, red lights start to flash, and the following message is belted out through a speaker:

-"Emergency! Emergency! Intruders spotted at the main entry gate! We're under attack!"-

-Fryguy: Eeeek! Oh my god, that's scaryyy! More cigarettes, quick!

-Triclyde: Take it easy, it's probably just Mario and his dopes.

Suddenly, Mouser rises to his feet, with lumps of cotton stuck in his nostrils to stop his nosebleed, and with a huge, nasty grin on his face.

-Mouser: It's that Princess Toadstool again! She's here! That will be a perfect opportunity to continue our little conversation from the Angel world castle! Quick, I need to load up my machine guns!

-Fryguy: Eeeeh! It's so frightening when he does his psycho routine! Clyyyde, I'm scaaared!

-Triclyde: *sweatdrop* Am I the only normal person in here?

-Fryguy: You're not normal...

-Mouser: You two, listen up! I want you to drive the Princess into my lair, so I can blow her to pieces!

-Triclyde: But, we're not supposed to kill our master's girlfriend.....

-Mouser: *glares angrily* Don't you contradict me.

-Fryguy: Yikes! Scary! He means it, we had better not make difficulties, Clyde.

-Triclyde: Gulp...I think you're right.

Cut to a shot of the Princess furiously kicking in the door to Koopa's clinic. The door is smashed to bits, and she enters the clinic, followed by Mario and the others.

-Princess: Grrr, Koopa has some serious explaining to do!

-Toad: Wow, the Princess isn't usually this determined....

-Mario: Oh, look, Koopa's weloming party is heading right for us.

Triclyde, Fryguy and a pack of Koopa Troopas armed with huge injection needles arrive on the scene.

-Triclyde: Wu ha ha ha ha! End of the road, Mario! You've got no chance against us! These giant injection needles are full of deadly germs; one small prick from them and you will have mad cow's disease for the rest of your life! And if that fails, we can always kill you by injecting an overdose of heroin into you! Uwa ha ha ha!

The Koopa Troopas chuckle nastily and brandish their giant injection needles.

-Yoshi: Is an injection needle tasty?

-Princess: You don't scare me, Twerpclyde! And what's with the coffee mug on your left nose? Really cute...

-Mario: Oh no, this is very bad. Don't provoke him! Dodgy medicine is something to be dreaded indeed. I say we forget about fighting them and ruin all the action by simply legging it!

-Toad: Yes, that is a brilliant, unexpected and certainly very effective move!

-Luigi: I say it sucks....

-Toad: Well, it does, actually, but a "run away quickly" scene is easier to animate than a big fight scene. Our budget is low enough as it is, you know.

-Yoshi: What's a budget? Is it tasty?

-Mario: Never mind, let's just make a run for it!

-Princess: But I wanna smash their skulls in!

-Toad: Hmm, whatever happened to little miss me-so-bimbo?

-Triclyde: Are you quite finished?! I hate it when I get ignored like that! Koopa Troopas, go! Inject them full of dodgy germs! Do it!

-Fryguy: Clyde, you're supposed to say "Koopa pack, attack!"

-Triclyde: Oh, gimme a break, that sounds way too cheesy. Now hurry up, Troopas! Fight! Kill! Rip!

The Troopas rush towards Mario and his gang, who run away at full speed. After a pointless chase scene, they're stuck at a dead end.

-Mario: Oh, crap, a dead end!

-Luigi: Oh, how miserable. We'll all be injected with mad cow's disease and die very embarrassingly.

-Toad: Oh, that's just great. This always happens when we do a "run away quickly" scene.

-Yoshi: Everyone, look! There's an elevator right next to us! Let's escape into the elevator!

-Toad: Gee, something like that always happens when we do a "stuck in a dead end" scene.

They rush into the elevator, just before Triclyde and the Koopa Troopas manage to catch up with them.

-Triclyde: Drat, they escaped into the elevator!

-Fryguy: That always happens when we do a "trap them in a dead end" scene....*sigh* Oh well, got any smokes left, Clyde?

Cut to a shot of the Mario gang inside the elevator, staring at the buttons on the control panel

-Toad: Hmmm, which floor should we go to? There are about twenty different floors, and we have no idea where we might find Princess Aspirin.

-Luigi: I told you this was doomed to failure....

-Princess: Look, someone's drawn a big red circle around the button for floor 15....That's odd, isn't it?

-Toad: Could it be a clue?

-Yoshi: Is a clue something tasty?

-Mario: Naw, it's probably an elaborate plan to kill us by tempting us into pressing a button that will cause the elevator to self-destruct!

-Princess: Oh dear, what a dilemma!

-Toad: Well, you had better make up your minds quickly, as Yoshi has started eating the elevator!

-Everyone: Yikes!!

Cut to a shot of Yoshi who is munching away at the elevator walls

-Yoshi: Yum! This elevator thing is tasty!

-Mario: You idiot! Stop eating that or we'll all fall to our doom!

-Toad: Aah, forget it! Let's just press that dumb button, before I get claustrophobia!

Immediately, Toad rams the button for floor 15. A silence follows....

-Mario: Moron! You've just single-handedly sent us to hell! That button was a booby trap, just like I expected!

But suddenly, the elevator starts to move upwards, to floor fifteen, perfectly normally.

-Mario: Or maybe it's not....Oh, I forgot that Koopa is a complete idiot who could never in yer life design such an intricate strategy!

-Toad: And even if he could, our producers could never afford a prop for an exploding elevator.

-Luigi: It's important to remember that the best course of action in this show is to just switch off your brain completely.

The elevator arrives at floor fifteen and it's doors open to reveal a long corridor, at the end of which is located a single door. Everone walks down the corridor toward the door at it's end.

-Mario: Could this be the door to Princess Aspirin's prison cell?

-Princess: We'll find out soon enough!

With another enraged kick, she destroys the door in front of them.

-Toad: Is she making a habit out of destroying doors?

-Yoshi: She's not acting like her usual self today.....

-Mario: Maybe she's having her period?

-Princess: Guys, look, the door I've just smashed leads to a weirdo room!

Camera pans around the room whose door the Princess has just kicked in. The walls are covered with posters of Koopa, a small altar with a photo of Koopa on it and many candles and bouquets of flowers stands in the middle of the room, bearing the inscription "To my love". On a bed in a corner of the room sits a huge plush doll of Koopa.

-Everyone: Oooh, what a weirdo room!

-Toad: Look at this, there are shelves with nothing but scrapbooks full of photos of Koopa all over the place....

-Luigi: Even the curtains and the wallpaper have Koopa's face printed on them.

-Mario: It's like a Koopa shrine in here.

-Yoshi: That big Koopa plush doll looks kind of tasty....

-Princess: This must be the room of someone with a serious Koopa-obsession...

Suddenly, Mouser appears in the doorway.

-Mouser: That is correct! You are in my domain here, Princess Kewpie Doll!

-Princess: Argh, it's the rat!

-Mouser: "Rat"?! Why you little nuisance, it's Doctor Mouser to you!

-Princess: Oh, that's right, the hysterical one who has the hots for Koopa.

-Mouser: Tsch, speak for yourself, you tramp! I didn't get a chance to finish you off at the Angel world castle, but this time, there'll be no escaping!

With those words, Mouser takes out two plasma rifles and aims them at the Princess and the others.

-Mouser: Eat laser missile death, you imbeciles!

-Princess: But, wait a minute, Mouser, we're on the same side here. Princess Aspirin is a rival to both of us, shouldn't we concentrate on that?

-Mouser: I'm not falling for that! After all the suffering you've put me through, there's no way I'll let you live! I won't let anyone stand in the way of my happiness together with lord Koopa!

-Princess: Uhm...but if you fire those guns in here, you'll seriously damage your Koopa collection...

-Mouser: Yikes! You have a point there....

-Princess: Well, you see, there's no reason the shoot us then, so we'll just be going now, okay?

-Mouser: Yes, see ya........Heeey, wait a minute, I'm not falling for that either! If we can't fight here, then I challenge you to a duel to death on the clinic's rooftop!

-Princess: Drat, I was so close!

Cut to a shot of Mouser facing the Princess and the others on the hospital's rooftop. He's still holding the two plasma rifles and grinning madly.

-Mouser: And now, I'll finally blow you to pieces and have lord Koopa all to myself! Wuhahaha!!

-Princess: I see. Well, if you get to pull out the big guns, then so do I! Look at this, Mouser!

The Princess then takes a pair of black boxer shorts with small skulls printed on them out of her pocket and holds them up.

-Princess: This is one of Koopa's slips!

-Mouser: Whoa!!

Mouser's eyes widen and a small drop of blood runs from his left nostril. He drops his guns and staggers forward, in a trance-like haze, his hands outstretched for the undergarment in the Princess' hand.

-Mouser: P...panties...give them....give them to me!!

-Princess: Oh, you want these? Well, catch!

She then throws the pair of shorts from the hospital roof, and they glide all the way down.

-Mouser: Arf! They're mine!

Mouser then jumps off the rooftop to catch the panties and disappears from the screen. A scream and a crash are heard as he falls down all 20 floors of the hospital.

-Princess: Heh heh, easy victory!

-Toad: Princess, that was cool! But, where did you get a pair of Koopa's undies from?

-Princess: Oops! Erm...well, I...uhm...I was saving them...for an emergency....see, I was...uhm, planning to exploit this weakness of Mouser in case he attacked! Yes, that's it! (Whew, I nearly blew it!)

-Mario: Oh, and we can take the plasma rifles that Mouser dropped with us.

-Luigi: We could, but Yoshi has just eaten them.

-Yoshi: Burp! Plasma rifle tastes nice!

-Mario: I'm getting an urge to throw Yoshi off the hospital roof as well....

-Princess: Never mind about that, we still have to find out if Koopa's double-timing me with this Princess Aspirin!

-Everyone: Huh??

-Princess: Uhm, I mean, we have to rescue the poor, defenseless, frightened Princess Aspirin right away! Go, go, this can't wait!

Cut to a shot of Koopa in his nurse uniform, standing in a throne room and looking at a computer monitor on which the scene where the Princess makes Mouser jump off the hospital rooftop replays . Behind him, Princess Aspirin is tied to a post.

-Koopa: Just as I thought, my Princess still loves me! She didn't forget about me, she came all this way just because she's worried about this Princess Aspirin incident! Phew, what a relief!

-Aspirin: Uhm...well, in that case, you don't need to keep me imprisoned anymore, so maybe you could just let me go now?

-Koopa: Oh, that's right, you've outrun your utility, so I guess I could just kill you now....*takes out a gun and points it at Princess Aspirin*

-Aspirin: Aieee!! Oh no, me and my big mouth!

Just then, the door is flung open, and the Princess rushes in, followed by Mario and the others

-Princess: Koopa, what is the meaning of this?! I hope you can explain what this is all about!

-Koopa: Oh, hey babe.

-Princess: Don't "hey babe" me! I want to know exactly what is going on here!

-Koopa: Sure, but first...

Koopa then presses a switch on a nearby computer panel. This causes a trap door underneath Mario, Yoshi, Luigi and Toad to open, and they disappear screaming.

-Koopa: There, now that we're on our own again, I'll explain. You see, you hadn't returned any of my calls lately...I couldn't contact you at all, and I was getting worried that you might have abandoned me, so I staged this whole kidnapping scenario to make you jealous. Sorry if I've been a bit of a jerk......

-Princess: Awww, Koopa, you're so silly! Of course I hadn't forgotten about you, my little bat out of hell. It was just that Yoshi who had eaten my telephone and most of my wiring, so I couldn't get through to you until they got fixed.

-Koopa: So, you're not angry?

-Princess: You know I can't stay angry at you. Besides, this proved how intensely we long for each other.

-Aspirin: Uhm, that's very nice and everything, but can I get out of here now?

-Koopa: Oh, sure.

Koopa then picks up Princess Aspirin and flings her out of a nearby window.

-Princess: Allright, brute strength and gratuitous slapstick violence! My favorites! Koopa, you're the best!

-Koopa: Heh heh, you're not too bad yourself....

-Princess: Aww, my despicable little heap of nasty trash, how absolutely revolting I find you...*flutters eyelids*

-Koopa: *blushes* Oh, wow....

Cut to a shot of Mouser lying flat of his face at the foot of the hospital building. Suddenly, Princess Aspirin falls on top of him. He wakes up, shakes her off and gives her an angry stare

-Mouser: What the...? You! You're that other woman! You're a rival as well, trying to snatch lord Koopa away from me!

-Aspirin: Ergh, who is this guy?

-Mouser: Huwaaaargh, eat this!!

He whips out two UZI's and starts to fire them wildly. Princess Aspirin runs away, shrieking in panic. Mouser then contemplates the tall hospital building for a while.

-Mouser:....By now, that Princess Toadstool must've gotten to lord Koopa and must have her filthy paws all over him....Grrr, just thinking of it drives me mad! I will not allow it to happen! If I can't have lord Koopa, then neither can she!

Mouser then takes a nuclear warhead out of his pocket and looks at it....

-Mouser: Hmmm, I was saving this nuke for a real emergency....and this is a real emergency! This is it, total obliteration!

Mouser then lobs the nuke at the hospital building, which immediately explodes in a huge mushroom cloud. Cut to a shot of Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Toad and the Princess soaring through the air, projected by the force of the explosion, with looks of surprise and disbelief on their faces. Cut back to a shot of Mouser standing in front of the smoldering remains of the hospital. Suddenly, a lightly burned and severely ruffled-up Koopa comes falling from the sky and crash-lands on the ground next to Mouser. Mouser runs to him, and leaning over him, he blabbers the following monologue:

-Mouser: Oh, lord Koopa! Oh my, you are wounded! How terrible! Who did this to you?! Speak to me, milord, are you allright?! Oh, my poor baby, does it hurt? There, there, don't worry, I'm here. Doctor Mouser will take good care of you, yes, yes. Don't worry, just relax and put yourself in my care...

But while Mouser is monologueing away, he doesn't notice how Koopa's hands are slowly reaching for his throat, until it's too late and Koopa has grabbed hold of Mouser and is violently trying to strangle him.

-Koopa: You....you imbecile! You've ruined everything as usual! You complete and utter moron!

-Mouser: Ah...gasp....oh, you're being so violently passionate all of a sudden!

-Koopa: Shut up!!

Camera pans out while Koopa continues to strangle Mouser, yelling at him in anger and slowly fades out.

END of this episode