Episode 29: "Too Hot To Handle"

CARTOON SUMMARY

Mario and his funky bunch are on their way to the island of Wacky-Wacky, whose resident great fire god had promised to lend a helping hand in their struggle against Koopa. They arrive on the Club Med-style island, where they're welcomed by none other than "Skeeuwduuhr, leedurh uv dee Alowaah peepuuuhl...". Translation: "Scooter, leader of the Aloha people", who sounds like Louis de Funes on slow motion ever since he suffered a tragic accident with a helium pump in his youth. Immediately, a violent earthquake shakes the island, which, as Scooter explains is due to the fire god being cranky. The ground breaks open, and the Princess, who is very slow on the uptake, plummets into a gaping chasm, which moderately worries her. But Mario saves her by flinging his trademark plunger-lasso at her bum. Luigi thinks this whole thing is a bit odd, and his intuition hasn't let him down, as it was in fact Koopa who brought about that latest earthquake. See, he has horrifyingly imprisoned the -real- fire god in a martini cocktail glass and is now posing as a phony fire god, with Fryguy backing him up. Passing himself off as the fire god, he then delivers a message to the freaks of Wacky-Wacky via his state-of-the art Nokia intercom: if the Princess isn't hurled into the volcano's crater by sundown, he menaces to cause a volcanic explosion which will bury the entire island. Scooter decides that killing the Princess is just peachy. And who are we to question his wise decision? Well, Mario questions it. See, he can easily tell that this so-called fire god is really Koopa, on account of, he can recognize the suave tone of Koopa's sexy voice with great ease. But Scooter, in a fit of petty sadism, still wants to kill the Princess. For an unknown reason, Scooter then passionately hugs Mario while some Wacky-Wacky natives rip off the Princess and take her to the volcano's crater. Mario, Luigi and Toad are hurled into a pit, but they easily escape from it by using Mario's bum for propulsion.

Trouble is, they now have to race up the volcano in order to prevent Scooter from transforming the Princess into a mixed grill. They stumble across an ostrich and immediately rip it off in order to use it for a rapid ride up the mountain. This doesn't amuse Koopa, and he sends out a legion of sadist Shy-guys who begin to hurl Bob-ombs at the intrepid plumbers. They counter this onslaught by hurling pineapples and a crap pun from Toad at the Shy-guys, who die screaming in face of this (Toad's lethally rancid semi-pun was probably what really did it).

Scooter and his flunky have gotten to the crater by now, but they reason that, since the fire god distinctly said he wanted to have the Princess murdered at sundown, they had better wait until, well, sundown. This frustrates Koopa, especially since the Marios are still racing up the volcano, so he turns to his handy-dandy intercom again, and using this device, he informs Scooter that it is now sundown. It's broad daylight, but Scooter, who plumbs the depths of utter mongolism, buys Koopa's tissue of lies and flings the Princess into the crater just as the Marios arrive. They watch in horror as the Princess plummets into the volcano's crater and is surprisingly picked up by a Shy-guy and taken away to Koopa. Rats.

Now that Koopa has obtained the Princess, he uses his lethal lava machine to shoot a stream of deadly apricot marmalade from the volcano's crater right at the Marios. Scooter and the ostrich have mysteriously disappeared as the Mario bunch begin to run in terror from the menacing flows of lava that are chasing them. A most bizarre breakdance-funk-flamenco song accompanies this intense scene. This terrifies the Marios even more, but they are saved when Mario, through complete and very unlikely coincidence unearths a secret passageway into the mouth of the fire god's statue, where they're safe from the hurriedly-drawn lava. This passage leads them to a system of pipes which appear to be carrying the deadly lava from a while back. This, then, would be Koopa's handiwork according to Luigi's lucid reasoning. Speaking of Koopa, the Princess has just been taken to him, and she hits him with syrupy flattery. The loose woman. In an extremely drawn-out conversation with Fryguy, it is then revealed that Koopa intends to toast the island after all and escape with the Princess on a "fire-proof lava boat". Fryguy then orders a bunch of Shy-guys to inflate this fire-proof lava boat. They inflate the fire-proof lava boat. However, Mario and the others have overheard this shockingly dumb plot element, and they establish an intricate counter-offence. First, Toad needs to go keep Koopa busy. He accepts this mission and assures the Mario brothers that he'll "keep Koopa hopping". Not sure if that's what they had in mind, though. Mario then discovers a set of Ikea cooking utensils in a hidden hatch in the floor, which nobody cares about at all. The Princess, meanwhile, is throwing strikingly obscene insults at Koopa ("you're not as smart as you think you are!"). It is at this point that Toad rushes in and hurls Koopa to the floor. Koopa is enraged and begins to chase after Toad. After a slight chase scene, Koopa outsmarts Toad and managed to jump right onto him. Uh oh...But then, Fryguy, who is jealous of Toad runs in and says to Koopa: "I'vvve got a hhhhot fllllash forrr you". Sheez, men are so impulsive. He could at least wait until they're alone to tell him such things. Oh well, Koopa is not at all interested in Fryguy's passionate declaration as it is. He's more worried about the big lava machine, which is about to blow a fuse. Mario and Luigi have clogged up it's pipes, and it's about to explode, which will kill everyone. Koopa decides that this would be a good time to sneak off in his -say it with me- fire-proof lava boat. However, Mario and Luigi are hiding in the famous lava-proof fire boat and Mario hurls a giant Polo mint at Koopa. Koopa's foot gets caught in it, and he falls flat on his face, which sends the Princess soaring through the air. She safely lands in the boat-proof lava fire, just as the lava machine explodes, and streams of boiling lava with egg yolks floating in it begins to fill the room. This worries Koopa, and Toad as well, who has been left to die by the Marios. They still save him with a rescue band, and ride the waves of lava on their proof-lava boat fire. Koopa and Fryguy run in terror from the approaching lava, and Koopa hops off through an odd-looking exit. Strangely, Fryguy is still horrified at the approaching lava, even though he is made out of fire himself. Excuse me? Oh well, the Mario gang and their boat-fire lava proof are shot out of the volcano, riding a jet of lava, soar through the air, crash to the ground and break all their bones. Well, they don't, as they've mysteriously survived the fall, defying every law of gravity and physics known to man. Scooter then apologizes for being such a tremendous dork, but it's hard to forgive him. The real fire god then sends some smoke signals (he can't afford e-mail) telling everyone that it's high time for a disco rave party. This is immediately put into action, and Fryguy is re-cycled as a heating system for making spaghetti. Mario once again stuffs his face.