Super Mario Parody Story:
The Super Mario Bros. Freaky Show!
|-Mario: This is the Super Mario Brothers
Freaky Show! Resistance is futile!
Episode 6: Oh, My Gorgeous Love Letter!
"Plumber's log, number 1-2-3-5....damn...1-2-4...1-2-5-3...oh, forget it. It was a peaceful time in the Mushroom Kingdom. Everything was tranquil, and very very boring, except for one thing: Yoshi had gone 'out for snacks'...."
Episode opens on a shot of a clearing in the forest. A lone mushroom figurant comes by and sits down on a tree trunk.
-Mushroom figurant: Aah, this sure is a lovely day for going out in the forest. Now for a quick sandwich!
He takes out a large sandwich, but just when he's about to sink his teeth into it, a few bushes begin to rustle behind the mushroom. He turns around, and stares at the bushes. Yoshi pops out of these bushes, with his eyes overly large and shiny.
-Mushroom figurant: Oh, it's a Yoshi. It's cute!
-Yoshi: I'm a widdle Yoshi, and I got lost in the woods...*sad, pleading stare*, I'm hungwyyy...
-Mushroom figurant: Oh, that is really tragic! Poor baby! Here, have a bite of my sandwich.
The unsuspecting mushroom holds out the sandwich towards Yoshi.
-Yoshi: Wee! Thank you, mistew Mushwoom!....*sly grin*...Gotcha, sucker!!
With blinding speed, Yoshi opens his mouth wide, and lashes out his terrifying, long tongue. Yoshi's tongue wraps itself around the mushroom's neck and the hapless victim is pulled into Yoshi's mouth, screaming in panic. Yoshi swallows him whole, and then delivers the following remark.
-Yoshi: Hah, the idiot! He never even knew what hit him! They always fall for the tragic cutey routine. He was pretty tasty...but I'm still hungry. Let's see if there are some more suckers for me to devour...Mu wa ha ha haaa!
But suddenly, Mario's voice interrupts this scene.
-Mario: Yoshi, stop it! We told you a million times, do not eat the figurants! They cost twenty gold coins each!
Mario, Toad and Luigi arrive on the scene and face Yoshi.
-Yoshi: Aahh, push off. I'll eat whatever I want, and there's no stopping me!
-Toad: Oh no, this is bad! Last time he did that, he devoured 5 figurants, half of the set pieces, the sound engineer, the camera operator and the assistant-director. Replacing them was very expensive!
-Mario: That's right. We can't have Yoshi eating the film crew every other episode, it's killing our budget!
-Toad: It's also the reason why we constantly have to do episodes without any decent staff. The minute we hire a halfway decent animator, Yoshi eats him. This has to stop! Last time, he ate the animation supervisor, and because of that, no-one rectified the animation goof-ups, and I ended up with my clothes painted fluorescent pink by mistake for a whole episode! It was humiliating!
-Mario: So, you see, you really mustn't do that, Yoshi. Now come along with us like a good boy.
-Yoshi: Not on yer life, I'm still hungry! Snack time!
With those words, Yoshi wraps his tongue around the tree trunk that his most recent victim had used as a resting place, and swallows the thing in one go.
-Toad: Nooo! That was our last plastic tree prop! Now we'll have to go back to using the cheapo cardboard ones! This is a catastrophe!
-Yoshi: Hmmm....*creepy stare*...Tooooaad...
-Toad: Whu...what? Yoshi, you're giving me such a strange look...
-Luigi: It's the same look Koopa has on his face when he sees a pair of handcuffs. It means you're doomed, Toad, and me and Mario probably are as well. Oh well, makes no difference...
-Toad: N...no..Yoshi, you wouldn't....
-Yoshi: Come here, you bite-sized salad on legs! You're the main course!
Once again, Yoshi's tongue is shot out, but Toad avoids this by ducking out of the way rapidly.
-Toad: Eeek! He's gone nuts! Mario, do something!
-Mario: Right away! Chaaaarge!
With those words, Mario grabs Luigi's left leg, and runs towards Yoshi, menacingly swinging his brother around like a weapon. He then brings Luigi crashing down upon Yoshi's head, who passes out after this mortifying attack. Mario then casually throws Luigi away over his shoulder. A muffled crash is heard.
-Mario: There, that should calm him down for a while. Toad, get the tranquilizer shots ready.
-Toad: Right away! We should use the extra strong ones.
Toad then takes out a small case containing a bunch of injection needles. He takes a large injection needle filled with a bright pink liquid from the case and hands it to Mario. Mario reads out the inscription on the needle's label.
-Mario: "Snore Time, deluxe tranquilizer. Our tranquilizers are made with nothing but the finest, carefully selected ingredients. Contains: vodka, ketchup, LSD, aspirin, Vetyver de Guerlain, accrylic paint, Maggi bouillon herbs and ordinary household bleach." Hey, this stuff sounds pretty good!
-Toad: Never mind, just inject the stuff into Yoshi. That way he'll be fast asleep ad we can drag him back to the princess' castle without running the risk of having him waking up and trying to eat us.
Mario acts upon this advice, and once Yoshi is fast asleep, Mario and Toad drag him away. After they've disappeared, the camera slowly zooms in to a shot of Luigi, who is still lying there on the ground, in a crumpled pile.
-Luigi: ...he...did -that- again...
Loud cawing of crows is heard in the background as the screen fades out and cuts to a shot inside the princess' castle. The princess is lying flat on a couch in front of the TV with empty packs of crisps and cans of soft drink littering the area.
-Princess: *huge yawn* Oh god, I am so bored...so brain-numbingly bored, I think it'll kill me. I really miss that big dope Koopa. It's just not the same without him....Maybe I should give him a second chance...
For a moment, she stares at the telephone.
-Princess: But, if I phone him like that, it'll make me look too desperate. He mustn't get the impression that he can pull a stunt like that and just get away with it. No, I need a different approach...ah, I got it!
She rapidly grabs a piece of paper and a pen and begins to scribble.
-Princess: Let's see now....how should I start this? "To my honeybunny"? That's too crawly. "Yo, fat guy", perhaps? No, I don't think that strikes the right note either. Let's just make it "My darling". Okay, now on to the actual letter. I'll keep it brief, something like: "I will await you tonight, at midnight, under the big cardboard cherry tree prop. I have something very important to tell you. Be there. Signed: your snugglycakes." Yes, that should do it. Now to post this...
Screen cuts to a fast-forward scene of the princess running to a letterbox and hurling in her letter, and running back to the castle. Screen then cuts to a shot of the Koopa Kafé bar, where Fyrguy is sitting, his mouth stuffed with cigarettes. Triclyde drags himself into the bar, looking half dead, with a sack of ice on his leftmost head. He slumps down next to Fryguy.
-Fryguy: Eeehyaa, it's zombie! Scary!!
-Triclyde: Uhrnn...don't scream like that. My hangover's just killing me.
-Fryguy: Oh, it's only you, Clyde. You scared me. You look just terrible.
-Triclyde: Figures, I feel just terrible as well. Getting hangovers is not a good idea when you have three heads. It triples the pounding headache, see.
-Fryguy: Oh my...
Suddenly, Mouser pops up behind them, with a huge grin and he enthusiastically belts out these words:
-Mouser: Hey! You two, straighten yourselves up! This is no way to look for proud servants of the gorgeous Lord Koopa! Come on, don't hang about like that! There's no time for such slacking! We've got stupidly-named kingdoms to conquer, fat plumbers to battle, budget cuts to struggle with and handsome superiors to dearly love!
-Triclyde: Speak for yourself, queen of the freaks...
-Fryguy: Somehow, I liked Mouser better when he was a depressive alcoholic maniac. I mean, whatever happened to the days when you could gulp down twenty stale gin and tonics?
-Mouser: Hah, you're looking at the new me! The power of love has given me a surge of fresh energy! I have no more need for gin and tonics! I must keep both my mind and body pure now that I have Lord Koopa as my boyfriend!
-Triclyde: Oh, come off it, he's -not- your boyfriend.
-Mouser: Oh yeah? Well, he did kiss me, I'll have you know! With tongue, if you please!
-Triclyde: Oh god, my hangover just got worse....
-Fryguy: And it's still true that you never got to complete the wedding ceremony. Lord Koopa had the vicar guillotined immediately after the incident. In other words, you didn't get married.
-Mouser: Married schmarried! Marriage is just a lot of dumb show! It's dated! Lord Koopa and I don't need that, we're a modern couple!
-Triclyde: So modern that you're not even a couple.
-Fryguy: Mouser lives in his own little world. Try as we might, it's impossible to talk him out of this idea he has that Lord Koopa is now returning his affections.
-Mouser: Ahh, I will always treasure this wonderful memory of my first kiss....
-Triclyde: Yeah, right, you hang around bars hitting on men for the entire 18 years of your life, and you expect us to believe that was your first kiss?
-Fryguy: He has no touch with reality whatsoever...
-Mouser: Hah, you're just jealous because you could never in your life attract such a handsome man!
-Fryguy: I'm very glad to hear that.
At that point, a Koopa Troopa enters the bar and dumps a large canvas bag in front of them, pronouncing this phrase:
-Troopa: The mail's here.
-Triclyde: Great, another thing that'll make my hangover worse.
-Fryguy: Let's see now, there's the electricity bills, the heating bills, a bill from Jean-Paul Gaultier for Lord Koopa's special-ordered Lady Pomapdour costume...
-Mouser: Just a minute, is there no fan mail congratulating me on my union with Lord Koopa?
-Triclyde: Mouser, are you out of your mind? We -never- get fan mail on this crummy series!
-Mouser: What a rip-off!
-Fryguy: It's tragic, isn't it? But, there's the usual dosis of hate mail and death threats. Look, here's one from a certain mister Aol Gates, and he writes: "UR SHOW SUKS!!!!!! DAT MOWSUR DOODZ GAY OR SUMFIN!!!!1!!". I'm quoting directly.
-Triclyde: I see, it's a constructive critic...
-Fryguy: He probably has a point somewhere. That bit about how our show sucks is perfectly true.
-Mouser: I don't believe this. He made two spelling mistakes in my name! And just what does he mean by "gay or sumfin"?
-Fryguy: I think he means to say "or something".
-Mouser: Du-uh! I figured that out, I just don't get what he's referring to. What does the "or something" bit translate into? It makes no sense!
-Triclyde: Well, this guy's probably not too quick on the uptake, that's all.
-Mouser: Talk about the understatement of the century. Hrrrm, I really don't like being referred to as "dat Mowsur dood". In fact, I think I should introduce this Aol Gates person to a close personal friend of mine...
-Triclyde: And that would be...?
-Mouser: Why, Mister Shotgun, of course! Hya ha ha haaa!
Mouser runs off with a frightening laugh. Triclyde then turns to the camera, and with a serious face, pronounces the following phrase:
-Triclyde: Take a lesson, kiddies. Do not send us dumb remarks like that or we'll send Mouser after you. He knows where you live.
-Fryguy: Ooh, that's scary! Oh, this letter looks unusual...
Fryguy takes a pink envelope sealed with a heart mark from the bag in front of them.
-Fryguy: Look at this, a letter in a pink envelope, with a heart mark...it was written by someone who wears cheap perfume, I can smell. And it's addressed to Lord Koopa.
-Triclyde: Oh, big surprise. Well, if it's for Lord Koopa, shouldn't you take it to him?
-Fryguy: Uhm...do I have to?
-Triclyde: With my killer hangover, I'm in no state to move a muscle.
-Fryguy: Okay, I'll go, if there's no other way.
Cut to a shot of Fryguy knocking on the door to Koopa's dressing room.
-Fryguy: Message for you, milord!
The door swings open and a cheap-looking rubber Godzilla head pops out, staring right into Fryguy's face.
-Fryguy: Whoaaa! It's a monsterrrr! Mommyyy! Aaahrg!!
Overcome by panic, Fryguy faints on the spot, droppig the pink letter. Koopa then comes out of his dressing room wearing a rubber Godzilla costume and takes off the mask.
-Koopa: Guess my rubber monster costume is more lifelike that I expected. Hmm, what's this?
Koopa bends down and picks up the pink envelope that Fryguy has dropped, opens it and reads it's contents.
-Koopa:.....Oh, great, now the nicotine addict is beginning to take after Mouser. I quite understand that a man who dresses as well as I do is irresistible to anyone, but if all of my servants develop an obsession with me, that might be pretty awkward. I mean, this Mouser thing already cost me one girl and.....
Koopa suddenly looks up, seemingly startled.
-Koopa: Wait a minute....that smell, on that letter, it's....why of course! Mushroom Supermarket-brand perfume, which has had it's price slashed! Not only is that one of my favorites to use, it's also the type of perfume that my princess regularly wears! I'm sure of it! So, this letter is from her? Wow, brilliant, she's coming back!
But hesitatingly, he then looks over to the still unconscious Fryguy.
-Koopa: But on the other hand...suppose the letter -is- from him after all? Hmm....I don't want to take any chances...but then again, if it's from the princess, I musn't let her slip through my fingers! This is tricky...Well, the first step in such a dilemma is to choose a proper outfit!
Koopa rushes back into his dressing room. He leaves the letter on a table and clambers into his wardrobe, muttering these words:
-Koopa: Rats, this wardrobe is bigger than Australia. How will I ever find my two-piece leopard print bikini in this mess?
Meanwhile, outside the dressing room, Fryguy slowly regains his consciousness.
-Fryguy: Uhnn, what happened?...Oh no, the monster! There's a monster! Eeek, I must get out of here! Heeelp, monster alert!!
Gripped by hysteria, he runs off, screaming in terror. Mouser then rushes onto this scene, carrying a good dosis of heavy artillery.
-Mouser: What was that about a monster?! I'm sure I heard someone yelling about a monster...Oh no, what if this monster is attacking my beloved Lord Koopa's wardrobe! I've got to do something! My sweetheart could be under attack from a monster! Oh, but wait...what if he's changing into a funky outfit in there...hmm....heh heh heh.....slurrrp....that just gives me every reason to go in there on the double! Hang in there, milord, I'm coming!
Having made this decision, he runs into the dressing room, and the first thing he spots is the letter lying on a table in front of him.
-Mouser: What's this? "My darling, I will await you at midnight under the big cardboard cherry tree prop. I have something very important to tell you. Be there. Signed: your snugglycakes".....But that means...Lord Koopa wants to see me at midnight? To tell me something very important? Oh wow, way to go! I knew this would happen! My horoscope said so! "This will be a very favorable month for the lovelife of an Aquarius", and it came true! During all the 18 years of my life I've waited for this! I'll be there for sure! Yahoo!
In a fit of joy, Mouser then runs out of the dressing room again. Koopa's head then pops out of the wardrobe, adorned with a mock diamond tiara, humongous pearl earrings and a ludicrous wig.
-Koopa: What? Did I just hear someone in here? Hmm, must've been my imagination. Now where did I leave my strapless turkis ballroom dress?
Screen cuts to a shot of Mario and Toad, still dragging the sleeping Yoshi around. It's night by now, therefore, the background features some badly-painted stars and a crescent moon.
-Mario: Phew, I never expected Yoshi would be so heavy!
-Toad: Well, it makes sense. He's got three figurants, seven plastic tree props and all of spotlights plus their wiring inside his stomach, so of course he's heavy. We've been dragging him behind us for hours, but we're not getting anywhere quickly. It's almost midnight by now...how miserable...
-Mario: Yes. I'll speak very sternly to my agent about this. Oh, wait a minute, look over there, by that big cardboard cherry tree prop!
-Toad: You mean the one with the really rotten paint job?
-Mario: That's the one. The guy who's standing there...don't we know him?
-Toad: Yikes! That's that maniac Mouser! What's he doing here?!
-Mario: I don't want to know, but if he sees us, he'll go bonkers and murder us!
-Toad: Quick, we'll hide behind a cardboard prop of a bush!
They quickly duck behind a cardboard bush, dragging Yoshi into this safe location as well. From this hideout, they observe Mouser, who speaks these words to himself:
-Mouser: My heart's racing...almost midnight, I can't wait anymore! I got here extra early, and soon, my Lord Koopa will come here....ohh, I could just die! Lord Koopa wrote me a love letter, it's so cute! He's really very shy and sensible, deep down....
At that moment, Koopa's silhouette pops up behind Mouser, and Koopa's voice is heard, speaking these words:
-Koopa: What the heck are -you- doing here?!
-Mouser: Oh! Finally!
Mouser then turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Koopa, who is dressed in a Sailor Starlights costume. A silence follows as the sight of this causes Mouser's eyes to widen and his face to turn bright red.
-Mouser: Buh....buh...black leather...bikini...Whooaaaaw!!
To see the man of his dreams clad in a Starlights ensemble is so overwhelming to Mouser that he falls backwards, with fountains of blood shooting from his nostrils, and he rapidly loses consciousness. Koopa contemplates the fainted Mouser for a moment, while crows can be heard cawing in the background.
-Koopa: This is no good! If the princess arrives now and sees me in a skimpy black leather costume with an unconscious Mouser, all hell will break loose! I've got to do something! I have to get rid of Mouser, quickly!
He looks around, forlorn and panicky, then he forcefully kicks Mouser, who is sent flying by the impact of his kick, and lands behind the cardboard bush that Mario and Toad were using as a hiding place with a crashing noise. Cut to a shot of Mario, with Mouser lying on top of him, still unconscious.
-Mario: Ma....mamma mia, what happened?
-Toad: Shhh! Mario, don't make another sound! If you wake up Mouser, we'll both be toast!
-Mario: Easy for you to say.
-Toad: You also shouldn't move a muscle.
-Mario: This is just....typical...
Cut back to Koopa, who's nervously twiddling his thumbs underneath the cardboard tree. At that moment, the princess arrives on the scene.
-Princess: Koopa! So you got my note!
-Koopa: Of course! I could tell it was from you because of the perfume!
-Princess: I've missed you so much! I was an idiot! Koopa, no-one could ever take your place! You're my darling slimy disgusting sonuvabitch!
Cut back to a shot behind the cardboard bush, with Mouser still on top of Mario.
-Toad: This is weird, the princess has arrived, and she's talking to Koopa.
-Mario: Say what?!
-Toad: Ssshh! Mario! Do you want to kill us?! Keep quiet! Mouser's still here!
-Mario: Allright, allright. What are they talking about, though?
-Toad: I can't quite make out what they're saying. It's too windy and they're too far away. I think she just called him disgusting...
-Mario: Oh no, what is he doing to her?! He must be forcing her into horrible things! I must stop him!
-Toad: No, Mario, don't moooove!
-Mario: Oh, drat, this is horrible.
But things then got even more horrible. Mouser, slowly regaining his spirits began to stir.
-Mario & Toad: Glups....
-Mouser: Uhmmm...my Lord Koopa.....hmmm, I luuuurve yooou....
-Mario: Eek! What is he doing?!
Presuming, in his state of half-awakeness that he was lying on top of Koopa, Mouser was as of now attempting to kiss Mario, who didn't like this idea at all and made no secret of it.
-Mario: Aiiieeee!! Get this maniac off me!!
-Mouser: Huh? What? Mario?! What the heck...?! Where is my Lord Koopa?!
-Toad: Uh-oh, now we've done it.
-Mouser: Whatever the meaning of this nonsense is, you won't go unpunished! Mario, you are -so- dead!
-Mario: What did I do?! You're the one who tried to forcefully snog me, you nutter!
-Mouser: How dare you! You bitch! Lord Koopa is the only one in my heart! You make me sick with disgust, you ugly little man!
-Toad: We're doomed. Totally doomed...
However, at that point, another person entered the conversation.
-Yoshi: Yoshi hungwyyy....
-Toad: Gasp! Now that one woke up as well!
-Yoshi: I feel like a midnight snack!
-Mario: Not again!
Cut back to Koopa and the princess.
-Princess: Wait a minute, I'm hearing voices in the background. We're not alone here...
-Koopa: Voices? Are you sure?
-Princess: Positive! They're coming from behind that cardboard bush prop, over there!
The princess points at the prop that Mario and the others were using for cover. At that very moment, Mario bursts out of his hiding place, and runs towards Koopa and the princess in panic, followed by Toad:
-Mario: Run for it! Yoshi's woken up, and he's really angry!
-Toad: He'll eat us all if we don't scram!
-Mario: Let's go, princess! I'll save you from the horrible pervert Koopa!
Before they can react, Mario grabs the princess' hand and drags here away with Toad.
-Princess: Nooo! What are you doing?!
-Koopa: Wait! Come back! Too late, they're gone...aahh, what a rip-off! Mario, you'll pay for this!
However, a long, lashing tongue then slips onto the screen and rips off the cherry tree prop behind Koopa. Alerted by the noise this makes, he turns around and sees Yoshi behind him.
-Yoshi: Ahhhaaa! There's the big main course! Yum, delicious!
-Koopa: Eek! No way, keep that lunatic away from me!
Suddenly, Mouser's voice cuts into this scene:
He comes rushing onto the screen, hurling grenades all over the place. Using the smoke from the explosions as a cover, he picks us Koopa and runs off with him.
-Mouser: It's okay, I'm here! I'll save you!
-Koopa: Hey, watch where you're grabbing me! And get back to the castle, quickly!
They disappear into the distance as well, leaving Yoshi behind.
-Yoshi: What a rip-off! My dinner got kidnapped! Oh well, I'll just eat the voice actors!
Screen fades out and cuts to a shot of Koopa in his wardrobe, wearing a shiny spandex costume. He's talking to the princess over the telephone.
-Koopa: What am I wearing? Heh heh heh, it's pink spandex! Finest brand! No, I can't tell you what the colour of my slip is. I'm not wearing one. Allright, so how about we get together next Saturday and burn some defenseless villages? Okay, fine, three o' clock suits me perfectly. Sure, we'll have dinner afterwards. Okay, see ya babe.
He then hangs up the phone and makes the following remark:
-Koopa: Sure is good to have everything back to normal!
From a window, Mouser has been watching this whole scene, and his face is a showcase of rage and horror. Screen cuts to Triclyde and Fryguy sitting in the bar. Suddenly, a hole is punched into the wall behind them, and through this hole, Mouser comes in. He takes his position behind the bar with these words:
-Mouser: A gin 'n tonic. And make it strong.
While Mouser gulps down an over-sized glass of alcohol, Triclyde and Fryguy exchange these remarks.
-Fryguy: I guess this means everything really is back to normal.
Triclyde: Normal? What the heck do you mean, "normal"?
Screen fades out as Mouser continues to empty huge glasses.
END of this episode