Episode 4: The Trials of a Passionate Heart

"Plumbers log, number 1999. Word had reached us that Koopa had sent out one of his men to find a legendary secret sanctuary, where the key to incredible power was hidden. Just so happens, this secret sanctuary was supposedly hidden in Lousyland, the most deprived region of the entire Mushroom world. Just our luck. But anyway, we did go to investigate, just in case, and we had just picked up what might be a lead to the whereabouts of Koopa's boys".

Fade in to a view of a desert-like region. Mario and his gang are dragging themselves along a battered desert pathway, with burnt-out cigarettes littering the ground.

-Toad: Hey, I think I recognize this place from somewhere....it looks so strangely familiar.

-Luigi: That's because "this place" is really the same set we used for that one episode where Koopa tried to ravage the entire world by injecting lethal doses of heroin into the atmosphere via a badly-drawn satellite.

-Toad: *groan* You know you've hit zero budget when you have to re-use the same set and hope that nobody will notice.

-Yoshi: Well, it's not like anyone watches this show, so we'll probably get away with it.

-Mario: Will you lot keep quiet?! I'm about to have a major breakthrough and say something very thoughtful that will make the plot progress!

-Toad: That'll be a first....

-Luigi: Whatever, if it'll take this painstakingly lame plot somewhere, let's hear it.

-Mario: Well, allright then. Consider the unusually large amount of cigarette butts littering the ground in this area....

-Princess: Maybe they're a side effect from the heroin-satellite incident of a few episodes ago?

-Mario: Shhh, that never happened. Anyway, this unusually large amount of cigarette butts...

-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a cigarette butt?

-Toad: You have a filthy mind, Yoshi.

-Mario: Hey, stop interrupting me! Anyway, the sudden concentration of cigarette litter, the fact that one of Koopa's agents is in this area, and the fact that one of these agents, Fryguy to be precise holds the title of world's biggest nicotine slurper can only mean one thing. The connection between all these events is blatantly obvious. Their connection must be.....it can only be....a complete and utter coincidence!!

Everyone slams face-forward onto the ground upon hearing this.

-Toad: Dohhh, Mario! Promise me that you'll never, ever try to think again!

-Mario: Sure, fine with me. I wasn't planning on thinking on a regular basis anyways.

-Yoshi: But now we're sure that it's Fryguy who is looking for the Saint Sanctuary of Almighty Armageddon (tm)....

-Princess: It just had to be called that, huh?

-Yoshi: Well, in native Lousyland language it's known as the "Arf ou ou ou squeek zip zi ho ha" place, so I think we really are better off with the alternative that our writers came up with.

-Princess: Yeah, I see your point. But if it's just Fryguy we should be able to cope. All we need to do is shout "boo!" at him and he'll have a fatal heart attack. No biggie, right?

-Luigi: That is, unless he gets to the arf ou ou ou place before we do and gains the saint power of almighty destruction and kills us all in one mighty blow.

-Toad: Yeah, and let's always think positive, eh?

-Everyone: Riiiight.....

Fade out and cut to a shot of Fryguy, who is walking along the same desert road all by himself. Several cigarettes are clasped between his trembling lips. Camera slowly zooms in on his nervous face, as he speaks these words to himself:

-Fryguy: I...I'm scared...this place gives me the creeps. It freaks me out, but I musn't give in to my fears...I musn't run away, I musn't run away, I musn't run away! I must face my father and pilot EVA!....Oh, hang on, that's the wrong script, the one with the other sniveling wuss in it. But still, I won't chicken out! Not after what happened last time....

Image goes all blurry and switches to a flashback of a transformed fireball Mario blasting Mouser and Triclyde. They both fall to the ground, screaming, and pass out in an overly dramatic slow-motion sequence.

-Fryguy: N...no! Mouser! Clyde!

-Mario: And now for you, Marlboro-breath! After I've dealt with you, I'll punch Koopa's face in and restore peace to the once-happy region of Marihuanaland which he has so cruelly put under his reign of terror!

-Fryguy: Everything depends on me now....I'm the last line of defense between Mario and Lord Koopa. I may be a nervous wreck and a total wuss, but this time, I'll give it my all!

-Mario: Oh, right, and just what can you do? Cry for help? Beg for mercy?

-Fryguy: Shut up! I'll show you! I can fight, too! Really! Here comes my secret technique of incredible destructiveness! I didn't want to resort to this, but there is no other way now....prepare yourself! Here comes my mega-effective, super-secret, eye-popping...

-Mario: Uh oh.....

-Fryguy:...and simply marvelous....run away move! Run awaaaayyyy!!

He then turns around and legs it at full speed while a huge sweatdrop rolls down Mario's head. The image then fades out again, and Fryguy's voice is heard as the screen goes dark:

-Fryguy: Because I backed off, Mario was able to defeat Lord Koopa once again, and all our plans were foiled...all because of my ineptitude....

The flashback then continues as the image fades in to a shot of the bar, where Mouser and Triclyde are giving Fryguy scornful looks.

-Triclyde: Smoke-boy really made a mess of it this time.

-Fryguy: But...but Clyde...

-Mouser: Shut it, you! Because of your patheticness, Mario defeated us again, our plans went down the drain, and my poor honey Koopa was hurt! I won't forgive you for that! Oh, when I think of how my dearly beloved Lord Koopa must suffer...You see, he may appear tough, rugged and drool-tastically masculine (and he is!), but he is also very fragile and sensitive...All he wants, in the end, is some simple kindness...*sigh*.

-Triclyde: You're getting off the subject, there...

-Mouser: Aahh, my Lord Koopa, how I long to be cuddled in his big, strong arms!

-Triclyde: Waaaayy off the subject. Oh, forget it, he's no longer listening....As for you, Frygirly, you're an utter disgrace.

-Fryguy: Clyde...but I...*sniff*...I couldn't help it...*sob*

-Triclyde: I don't want to hear it! You're of no use whatsoever!

-Mouser: And to think that such a pansy calls himself an elite Koopa servant! Him, serving someone as irresistibly manly as my Lord Koopa! Fryguy, you're an absolute transvestite!

-Triclyde: Mouser, don't you mean "an absolute travesty"?

-Mouser: Oh, what's the difference?

-Triclyde: Being a transvestite is what Lord Koopa does on a regular basis. The word you're looking for is definitely "travesty".

-Mouser: Well, it doesn't matter! What it comes down to is that he sucks! He's worthless!

The flashback ends, and the image fades back to a close-up of Fryguy's face, still trekking through the desert.

-Fryguy: That's why...that's why I've gone to Lousyland. If I find this saint sanctuary, I might gain the strength I need to be a brave Koopa soldier! Yes, I'll return with the secret power of the sanctuary, and then I'll be a full-fledged servant of the valourous Koopa army! No-one will be calling me a transvestite anymore....or a travesty for that matter. I'll show them what I'm really made of!

The camera then zooms out and reveals that Fryguy hasn't been paying attention to where he was going while he was having his big monologue, and has absent-mindedly walked right into a pool of quicksand and is slowly sinking down into it. He suddenly snaps out of his contemplative mood and notices his blunder, which causes him to make the following remark:

-Fryguy: Oh no! What have I done?!

Cut to a shot of Mario and his crew, who're taking a short break from their long desert-trekking. Suddenly, a loud vocie is heard:

-Voice: Kyaaaahh!!

-Princess: Oi, did someone just scream?

-Mario: Probably someone who lost a contact lens.

-Yoshi: Or someone who's being harassed by a peeping Tom.

-Luigi: It's probably someone who's trying to commit suicide.

-Toad: Either way, why should we care?

-Princess: Right.

-Voice: Aaaargh! Eeeeeek! Whoaaaaa! Yikes!!

-Mario: Whoever that is, he's getting on my nerves, screaming like that. I'm going over there to tell him to keep the bloody noise down.

-Toad: Yes, good idea!

They all head over to where the hysterical screams are coming from. However, once they get there, all they see is a pool of quicksand, with some small bubbles coming out of it.

-Luigi: Oh no, we're too late. Whoever it was who was desperately screaming for help, while drowning in the quicksand all alone, he's dead now. It is tragic....

-Mario: Well, at least he won't bother us with his screaming anymore.

Suddenly, Fryguy's head pops out of the quicksand puddle

-Fryguy: Bwarf! Hey, I'm not dead yet!

-Princess: Oh, it was only Fryguy.

-Fryguy: Thank heavens you heard me! Quick, save me from this quicksand before I sink back into it!

-Yoshi: Do you think quicksand is tasty?

-Mario: Dunno. But I hope this Fryguy won't begin to scream again, or else I'll never be able to catch a nap.

-Fryguy: You idiots, don't just stand there, get me out of here!

-Toad: Not if you don't say please.

-Fryguy: Get bent, you moron! This is no time for manners, save me from drowning in the quicksand again, you bunch of freaks!

-Toad: No. You've hurt our feelings, now we won't do it.

-Fryguy: Oh, give me a break, I don't believe this! Eeek! I don't want to drown! Nooooo!

Fryguy begins to sink back into the sand slowly, screaming like a maniac, while the Mario crew all chant "nya, nya, nya-nya nyaaa" at him. He continues to sink and scream, but suddenly, five small, luminous objects shoot out from the quicksand around Fryguy. The camera focuses in on these objects, and reveals them to be burning cigarettes, hovering in mid-air above Fryguy.

-Princess: Hey, what are those?

-Fryguy: Oh! It's the guys!

-Everyone: "The guys??"

-Fryguy: Lucille, Marie-Antoinette and Oscar! My cigarettes, you're here!

-Mario: Give me a break. He actually gives names to his cigarettes?!

-Fryguy: Oh, Michiru and Haruka are there as well! Yeah, my cigarettes will save me!

-Toad: Ad he names them Michiru and Haruka of all things...

The cigarettes begin to hover around Fryguy in a circular pattern and slowly draw out a luminous pentagram. Fryguy then miraculously begins to levitate out of the quicksand pit, and he is carried to safe grounds. The cigarettes then fall neatly into his hands.

-Fryguy: You guys...you've saved me! Thank you so much!

-Luigi: Those brave cigarettes saved their master's life...it's so touching...

-Princess: I say it's twisted to the max.

Suddenly, another loud scream is heard, and a Lousyland native pops up. He then rushes over to Fryguy and kneels down in front of him, speaking these words:

-Native: Honourable stranger, you who posses such amazing powers, we welcome you, and rejoice at your long-awaited arrival.

-Fryguy: Oh, well gee, thanks...

-Native: This is a good tiding for the people of Lousyland, for with such god-like abilities, you must be the chosen one, the legendary hero who will conquer the saint sanctuary. Come, noble stranger, I must take you to the secret sanctuary, so that you can fulfill your destiny!

-Fryguy: Uhm...well, I don't really understand, but if you could take me to that sanctuary place, I'd appreciate it.

-Native: Count on it, honourable visitor! Taxi!

A taxi arrives sito presto, and opens it's doors. Fryguy is flung into the taxi, and the native hops in next to him. The taxi then drives away at full blast, leaving Mario and his gang behind.

-Toad: Hey, what about us?!

-Princess: This is bad...Fryguy will be taken directly to the sanctuary now.

-Luigi: That means we're all doomed. Rather than suffering the humiliation of getting killed by someone as wimpy as Fryguy, we had better slash our wrists quickly...

-Mario: Oh, go slash your own wrists. I for one am not giving up yet. Yoshi! It's time! I'll ride on you and chase that taxi! Let's go!!

A silence then follows. Mario slowly turns around and notices that Yoshi is sitting in the quicksand, sinking away, with a huge grin on his face.

-Yoshi: Weee! This quicksand is fun! Yoshi like!

-Mario: You absolute idiot! Get out of there, quickly!

-Yoshi: Oh, okay...oh wait, I can't. I'm stuck. Eeeek, I'm drowning! Help! Heeeelp!!

-Princess: *sigh* Here we go again....

Cut to a shot of Fryguy and the Lousyland native inside the taxi. Fryguy takes a deep breath and pronounces the following phrase:

-Fryguy: Phew, that quicksand pit sure was scary. A quick cigarette will calm me down...

He then takes out a nicotine-stick, puts it between his lips and lights it. This seems to take the native by surprise, who comments on this action with these words:

-Native: Oooh, why that is...it's....

-Fryguy: That's a cigarette. Don't tell me you didn't know.

-Native: "Cigarette"...so, it is by that name that such an object goes. I have no more doubts now. Honourable stranger, I am certain that you are the one! Please, I humbly ask of you to go to the sanctuary with me!

-Fryguy: Sure, that's why I came here in the first place...

-Native: I am most grateful. Every year, we are flooded by annoying tourists who want to see the sacred sanctuary, but somehow, when they get there, they are disappointed. Everyone says that our sanctuary is really a capital rip-off, this bad reputation is severely damaging our tourism-heavy industry....

-Fryguy: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but what does it have to do with me?

-Native: I'm certain that you have the qualities to see the truth behind the sanctuary! You will no doubt be able to understand it's secrets, and you will be able to prove to the world that the sanctuary of Lousyland is not a rip-off!

-Fryguy: But, I heard that the key to some huge and mysterious power is hidden there...

-Native: That is true. A sacred object of incredible destructiveness is located there. But still, all the tourists who have visited the sanctuary were unimpressed. They laughed in our faces, and called the saint object a pathetic piece of junk. But I am sure that you are different! We have arrived, noble visitor. Now, you will be able to see for yourself...

The taxi had pulled up next to a temple-like building. Fryguy and the native get out, and enter the structure.

-Fryguy: So...this is the place...it's spooky...

-Native: Honourable stranger, please come this way.

The native then leads Fryguy into a room, where they find a large altar. And on top of this altar, a large, long and thin cigarrette with a winged handle made of pink plastic appears.

-Fryguy: Oooh, why that is....

-Native: Yes, this is the key to unmatched strength, the secret treasure of our sanctuary, the Kaleido Moon Smoke!

-Fryguy: The Kaleido Moon Smoke...Wow! It's awesome!

-Native: Just as I expected, you are the one who has realized it's true beauty. All the others that came here before you did ran off shouting "what a rip-off!", as soon as they caught sight of the Kaleido Moon Smoke, but you are different...

-Fryguy: *grins* Yeah, I get that a lot.

-Native: Now, honourable stranger, the time has come. Take the Kaleido Moon Smoke...

-Fryguy: Huh? You mean it, I can just take it, no charge?

-Native: Of course, you are the legendary chosen one, it is your destiny to wield the incredibly powerful Kaleido Moon Smoke!

-Fryguy: Well, okay, if you say so....

As Fryguy reaches for the Kaleido Moon Smoke, the screen fades out and cuts to a shot of Mario and the others running through the desert.

-Mario: Huff....pant...keep going, we can follow the taxi's tire marks to this sanctuary place!

-Princess: This sucks! It's ruining my shoes, and they're genuine Gaultier brand! Mario, you'll pay for this!

-Yoshi: But we must hurry! I can already see the sanctuary! Let's make a run for it before Fryguy triggers off the apocalypse or something!

-Princess: *muttering under her breath* This is why I prefer to be with Koopa instead of Mario. At least he knows how to treat a lady properly. He wouldn't put me through such nonsense, and besides, he has such sexy big biceps!

-Toad: Your highness, are you mumbling to yourself again?

-Luigi: How tragic...so young, and she's already growing senile....

-Princess: Oh, shut up, you idiots!

-Mario: Here it is, we've arrived at the sanctuary!

Camera zooms out to reveal that they are now standing in front of the sanctuary. Suddenly, a loud laugh is heard, a nervous, rapid laugh, bordering on a hysterical giggle, and Fryguy appears in the sanctuary's doorway, holding the Kaleido Moon Smoke.

-Toad: Oh, it's him again?

-Princess: Yes, and it looks like he has finally lost it completely.

-Fryguy: On the contrary, I've found it! The Kaleido Moon Smoke, an ancient weapon of immense power! Behold!

Fryguy proudly brandishes the oversized cigarette above his head and laughs out loud.

-Mario: Oooh, we're so scared.

-Toad: That's it? It looks like a piece of Sailor Moon merchandise gone ugly...

-Yoshi: I think it looks kinda tasty.

-Fryguy: Oh, I bet you think you're really smart. Well, not for long! I will now proceed in typical charismatic super-villain fashion by letting my minions loose upon you instead of doing some fighting of my own. Wuhahahaha!!

-Princess: "Charismatic super-villain", eh? I think this whole affair has gotten to his head...

Fryguy then takes out three cigarettes and addresses these words to them:

-Fryguy: Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, I'm counting on you! Wipe out those Mario morons, and quickly! Go!!

He then makes a dramatic "forward!" gesture, and just stands there for a few short moments while nothing whatsoever happens. The three cigarettes are lying on the ground next to him.

-Fryguy: Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, I said go! Come on, what's the matter with you guys! Why aren't you attacking Mario and his gang of freaks?!

-Toad: This is just a suggestion but...they're cigarettes, remember?

-Fryguy: I know that! Nobody asked you!

-Princess: And you didn't stop to think that cigarettes are just inanimate objects? They're just heaps of tobacco wrapped in paper. They won't move a muscle no matter how much you shout, such a thing is simply impossible.

-Fryguy: No way! I refuse to believe this! Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, I command you to obey me! Protect your master like you did when I was about to drown in the quicksand! Come on, what are you waiting for?!

-Mario: On a side note, even if your cigarettes were able to attack us, do you really think a bunch of cigarettes would be able to kill us?

-Fryguy: This can't be happening! I own the Kaleido Moon Smoke, I am the master of cigarettes! Damn it, why isn't it working?! This Kaleido Moon Smoke was supposed to give me the ability to control every cigarette on the globe, but it's just a piece of junk!

-Toad: Face it, Fryguy, you've failed miserably.

-Fryguy: What a rip-off! That native bloke told me that I was the one! I'm supposed to be the one who can unleash the power to control all the cigarettes!

-Native: Well, I can make mistakes too. Nobody's perfect. Looks like you're not the chosen one after all, noble stranger.

-Fryguy: Now you tell me?! Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, punish this idiotic person for ripping me off, now!!

Once again, nothing happens......

-Fryguy: Oh, that's right, I forgot, it doesn't work.

-Native: Oh well, don't take it so badly. The ability to control cigarettes is an absolutely useless special talent as it is.

-Fryguy: That's not it, I came all this way to become brave and strong! I wanted to find true strength, but it just turned out to be an absolute flop! I wanted to make Mario pay for what he did to me....

-Mario: But instead it looks like we are going to beat you up. Heh heh heh....

-Fryguy: What?! Gulp...no....no, please don't!

-Mario: Fat chance, I'm far too much of a heartless sadist to let you go unharmed.

-Fryguy: Eeeek! No, I'm scared! Mommyyy! Oi, native boke, call me a taxi, quickly!

-Native: No can do. If you're not the chosen one, then I have no reason to suck up to you and be all humble. In other words; get stuffed.

-Fryguy: Shriek! Oh my god, I'm so scaaaared!

-Mario: Your luck has run out, Fryguy, and my fun is just about to begin. Mu wa ha ha haaa!

-Fryguy: That's what you think, Mario, but I still have one last trump card up my sleeve! My run away move! Run awaaaay!!

Before anyone can react, Fryguy has darted off at blinding speed.

-Native: Hey, wait a minute, he took the Kaleido Moon Smoke with him! I got ripped off!

-Luigi: Oh well, that Kaleido whatever thingy was absolutely useless in the first place, so what does it matter?

-Native: Yes, I suppose you're right...

Screen fades out and cuts to a scene, a few days later. Fryguy is sitting at the Koopa Kafé bar with a single cigarette in front of him. Mouser and Triclyde are standing behind him.

-Fryguy: I'll show you, guys! This is the amazing thing that I learned on my long and perilous journey! I have some kind of ESP that allows me to manipulate cigarettes! Look!

-Triclyde: Right, like we believe that...

-Mouser: I'd say he's been smoking something else besides tobacco to come up with nonsense like that.

-Fryguy: It's true, honestly! When I was about to drown in a sandpit, Lucille and the other guys saved me! That was the first manifestation of my power! Now behold, and prepare to be amazed by my awesome supernatural abilities!

He then makes a few overly dramatic gestures and motions as if he's focusing his energy on the cigarette in front of him.

-Fryguy: Go on, Hisuwashi, my boy, move! You can do it, Hisuwashi! Move, Hisuwashi, your master commands it! Argh, Hisuwashi, you bastard, why won't you move?!

While Fryguy loses his temper and begins to yell at the still motionless cigarette in exasperated fury, Mouser and Triclyde exchange the following remarks:

-Mouser: Same old Fryguy, eh?

-Triclyde: Yup, same old useless freaky Fryguy....

-Fryguy: Damn it, this is such a rip-off! Why won't it moooove?!

Screen fades out while Fryguy continues to yell his head of...

END of this episode