Super Mario Parody Story:
The Super Mario Bros. Freaky Show!
|-Mario: Unbelievable but true, we are now
firmly into the two-digit numbers! Super Mario Brothers'
Freaky Show forever!
Episode 12: "Spoof Fighter 2: The Weird Warrior"
"Plumber's log, number seventy billion. Take a wild guess what happened....Yes, our budget did get cut, but I mean besides that. Right, Koopa had ripped off the princess. And to save on celluloid and paint, we're not going to show you how it happened. And to save on time and writer's fees as well (not that we pay them as it is), we're not even going to -explain- how it happened. It just did, okay? Anyway, we had just picked up the trace of the princess' whereabouts...."
Fade in to a shot of Mario, Yoshi, Toad and Luigi somewhere in a large city. They're standing in a scruffy-looking ally, and are staring at a poster on the wall in front of them.
-Mario: Well, well, what have we here?
-Toad: That's a poster, Mario.
-Yoshi: Looks pretty tasty...
Cut to a shot of the actual poster; there's a large mugshot of Koopa printed on it, along with the words: "Coming soon! The battle of the year! Enlist now for the Koopa Kombat bloody death fighter's tournament! Win our grand prize: the okay-ish looking Princess Toadstool!"
-Toad: Koopa Kombat, eh? So, he's using the princess as a prize for a major tournament he's organizing....
-Mario: Well, in that case, all we need to do is compete in this tournament, beat everyone else up and we'll have won the princess, and she'll be free again! Easy one!
-Toad: Right, let's go and enlist then.
-Luigi: It's bound to be a mortal deathtrap they've set up to kill us all very gruesomely when we least expect it and....
Camera zooms out to reveal that the others haven't listened to Luigi and have long since walked away. Screen fades out and cuts to a pan around Koopa's castle-like headquarters. Fade in to a shot of the princess, standing on the rooftop and overlooking the city below. A Koopa Troopa is kneeling down behind her and speaks these words to her:
-Koopa Troopa: We have just received confirmation that our targets, Mario, Yoshi and Toad have all registered to take part in the Koopa Kombat tournament you've planned. We are now proceeding to phase 2 of the plan....
-Princess: Ahh, excellent, they're rushing right into our trap. The idiots, if only they knew....there's no way they'll ever surive this!
Koopa's voice is then heard, pronouncing this phrase:
-Koopa: So, the whole plan's going well, huh?
The princess turns around, and the camera shows a shot of Koopa, who is wearing an exact carbon copy of the costume that Chun-Li of Street Fighter fame wears on the job. A short silence follows...
-Princess: Nice dress, hun.
-Koopa: Thanks, babe. I figured I'd wear something suitable for a fighting tournament episode. And the best thing about this costume is, if I do a high-kick, you can see my slip!
-Princess: That's bound to come in handy. Now, let's go over our plan one more time....
-Koopa: Oh yes. The idea is that we lure Mario and co into this big fighting tournament, by announcing that you'll be the grand prize of this tournament.
-Princess: Yes, we've had that bit, they've already enlisted. Now, they'll be thrown into a tournament where every most vicious, bloodthirsty and generally unpleasant person will compete as well. Every most fearsome thug and brutal brawler in the city will have enlisted on account of they'll take any excuse to smash someone's skull in, so Mario and co will get beaten to death!
-Koopa: Brilliant! And it won't even seem like we did it on purpose!
-Princess: Ahh, how grand it is to be evil!
-Koopa: Evil, and well-dressed, too! Ha ha ha hee hee!
Zoom out as they both laugh like maniacs then fade out and cut to a shot inside the Koopa Kafé bar. Fryguy is pacing up and down the bar, with buckets of sweat running down his face and many cigarettes stuffed between his lips. Mouser is hanging half-asleep over the bar.
-Fryguy: Oh my, oh no, I'm so worried, I'm so scared!
-Mouser: Uhmm...what is it now? Have you been watching that show Goosebumps again?
-Fryguy: Heeyaaaah! No! Don't mention that show, it's too scary! Eep, I don't want to think about it! Scary!
-Mouser: Sheez, anything can freak you out...
-Fryguy: Knock it off, I happen to have a very good reason to be freaked out! Lord Koopa has ordered me to be the commentator during the Koopa Kombat tournament! It's bound to be scary!
-Mouser: Muh, I don't see what's so hot about this stupid tournament. The only thing you can win is ugly ol' princess Toadface. Big deal.
-Fryguy: Gee, I had figured you'd want to win her so that you could easily kill her. After all, if you win her as a prize, you can do whatever you want, without anyone making trouble.
-Mouser: Good lord, you're right! That means I -could- kill her, and have my hot'n hunky Lord Koopa all to myself! Koopa Kombat, here I come!
Mouser then storms away and runs right through a wall of the Koopa Kafé in his hurry, leaving a Mouser-shaped hole in the wall. Fryguy watches him as big drops of sweat pearl down his face.
-Fryguy: Ohhh, now things got even more scary! Now I wonder where Tricly...uh, I mean, miss Trashika has gone off to, she/he/whatever is hardly around these days....
Cut to a shot of Triclyde, in a dimly-lit room. He's clad in a bulky hi-tech armored suit with three openings for the heads.
-Triclyde: Heh heh...this Koopa Kombat tournament is just the thing we need. It's a perfect chance to seize control of the Koopa empire once again! With this armored suit, we'll surely win!
Three metal helmets then slide over Clyde's three heads, thus masking their faces. With a loud "clank", the armor's helmets slide into place. Screen then fades out and cuts to a shot inside the Koopa Kombat Kolliseum. A large number of contestants for the tournament are standing around, trying to look tough. Fryguy then appears on a large TV screen on the wall in front of them.
-Fryguy: Uhm...ah, hello everyone. Thanks for coming to the Koopa Kombat tournament. Now, since there are well over a hundred of you, we'll have to start with an eliminatory round. Only the 8 best brawlers among you will be allowed to move on to the finals in the arena. Now, here are the rules for the eliminatory rounds: we've split you up into eight groups of about 20 fighters each. Now, each of these eight groups will indulge in a free-for-all battle. The last man standing in each group wins and moves on to the finals of the tournament. Please follow your assigned group to your eliminatory battle ground. Other than that, there are no rules!
The contestants mumble a bit, after which they're split up into groups and led to 8 separate arenas. Lakitus hover around these small battlegrounds, recording footage which is sent straight to the TV screens covering the walls.
-Fryguy: Allright, now let's tune in to the eliminatory rounds! Let's see what's happening in eliminatory group number 1!
Cut to a shot of Mario, who had landed in the first group. He's standing in the middle of the small battleground, clutching Luigi.
-Mario: So, all I have to do in order to move on to the finals is kill this bunch of dweebs? Hah, easy! They'll stand no chance against my Luigi Tornado Blast!
Mario then begins to swing Luigi around, faster and faster, in a fashion similar to the way he swings Bowser by the tail in Super Mario 64. Soon, Mario's spinning maneuver generates a small tornado that blows all of the other contestants away. As all of his opponents lie splattered about the place, Mario grins and does a victory sign to the Lakitu camera. Cut to Fryguy, who has watched this on his monitors and swallows a few times.
-Fryguy: Oh man, that was scary! Well, the winner of eliminatory group number one is Mario, and he's our first finalist! His mastery of the deadly weapon Luigi is most impressive, and scary too! Now, let's take a look at eliminatory group number two!
However, eliminatory group number two has all but vanished. The only one left on the second battleground is Yoshi, who sits there with stomach super-bloated. He burps, and Fryguy swallows a few more time.
-Fryguy: *gulp* Group number two was wiped out as well, our second finalist is Yoshi. Oh man, I knew this was a bad idea...And group number three...
Cut to a shot of the third battleground. The place is riddled with bleeding corpses, only a tall man in a black trenchcoat and reflecting glasses is standing there calmly.
-Fryguy: Uh-oh, wiped out as well...our third finalist, who has disposed of the third group in a rapid, silent and remarkably bloody fashion is the assasin Sanshiro Sakurazaku, from the cucumber tree mountain...eep, he scares me! This is just in, eliminatory groups number four and five have been annihilated in mere seconds as well! The victor from group number four is Mouser, who's ability to whip out heavy artillery and commit massive genocide easily explains this lightning victory!
Cut to a rapid shot of Mouser, standing amidst the massacred contestants of his group. He casually polishes one of his guns and whistles the YMCA melody. Cut back to Fryguy.
-Fryguy: Uh, right...and the winner from group number five is the mysterious Robot 3-TX who packs some surprising firepower! Now, for the sixth group...
At that point, a large, chubby figure in purple dungarees barges in and rips off Fryguy's microphone.
-Fryguy: Yeek! What are you doing?! That's scary!
The camera shows a close-up of the one who just took the microphone. This person is revealed to be Wario. He grins and barks into Fryguy's microphone:
-Wario: Yes, it is I! I am the winner from the sixth group! I have come to claim what is rightfully mine! Mario! If you can hear me, listen up! Over the years, you've had three TV series to yourself, and they all sucked! You even had your own live movie, and it sucked too! And the reason why they all sucked was because I wasn't in them! But now, I will change this! I know you were planning to leave me out of this new series, but I'll have none of that! I'll defeat you in this tournament and claim my place as a regular cast member! Finally, after all these years, I'll get to appear in a Mario series! Wuaaahahahahaa!!
-Fryguy: Stop that, you're scaring me! And besides, this isn't even a proper series! It's nothing but a warped delirium, typed out on the PC of a silly person! It's full of perversity, petty sadism, grotesque humour and rampant stupidity!
-Wario: Sounds great, I'm looking forward to claiming my place in this series! You're about to go down, Mario! This tournament is my chance to prove to the world that I'm every bit as good as Mario, if not far better, and that I have every right to appear in a TV series! See ya!
Cut to Mario and Yoshi, who were lounging around a soda machine, and watching this scene on the screens around them.
-Yoshi: Mario, do you know that flipped fat guy who keeps mentioning your name?
-Mario: He seems vaguely familiar...dunno, I couldn't care less, really.
At that point, Toad comes stumbling towards them, looking severely beaten up.
-Mario: Some people always have to make a dramatic entrance.
-Toad: Mario, Yoshi, I got whipped! I was in the seventh group, I thought I'd win, but this wimpy-looking guy wiped everyone out! Even my annoying funky-talk routine couldn't scratch him!
-Mario: Oh! Then he must be really tough!
Cut to a shot of the massively beaten up contestants from the seventh group. The only one left standing is a delicate, raven-haired young man in long, white ceremonial robes. Cut back to Fryguy in his commentator's cabin.
-Fryguy: Oh my, the seventh group was wiped out as well, and our seventh finalist is the fearsome wizard Satoru Sumeragi! Finally, there's group number eight...
At that point, loud screams are heard, and all the fighters of group number eight come running past, shouting in panic. A few of their cries of terror can be picked up:
-"Noooo!! Keep it away from us! Heeelp!"-
-"We must get out of here! That guy's too terrible to face!"-
-"Aiiieeee! It's too horrible for words! Run for your lives!"-
-"I had to pee in my slip!"-
-Fryguy: How strange, all the fighters from the last group have run away in terror. What could have scared them so much? Let's check the camera....
Fryguy's monitor shows a shot of the now-empty last battlefield. Only one person is still standing there, with a look of innocent confusion on his face....it's a small boy in a caveman costume, with curly blond hair. Cut to Mario and Yoshi, who have broken open the soda machines and stolen a large dose of soda cans.
-Mario: I wonder why all the fighters from the last group just ran away like that?
-Yoshi: They looked as if the devil himself was on their heels. Something really terrible must've happened there to scare all those tough brawlers away!
-Mario: Yeah, it must've been utterly horrible!
At that point, a voice is suddenly heard behind Mario and Yoshi. They turn blue in the face, and thier eyes widen as an irritating, teeth-gratingly raspy and dopey voice blurbs out the following phrase:
-"Yo, phunkey doodz! A'm baaack!"-
-Mario: No.....no, this cannot be...
-Yoshi: That terribly annoying voice and that gruesomely misplaced uncool slang....oh no, it's the worst of all things that could have happened!
As they swallow in panic, and cold sweat drenches their bodies, Mario and Yoshi slowly turn around and find themselves face-to-face with the small blond caveboy who was on Fryguy's monitor just a while ago. Haunting music begins to play as the one and only Oogtar who plagued the entire Super Mario World cartoon shows is revealed in his full terror. Mario and Yoshi begin to scream hysterically.
-Mario: Aiieeee!! It -is- him! That ugly little dork Oogtar! During the Super Mario World series, Toad wasn't available because he was at the hospital to have his ugly face treated by a plastic surgeon, so the animators created this monster child to replace him!
-Yoshi: During the whole series, he got up everyone's nerves with his crap voice and grating funky blabberings, and god how we hated him!
-Mario: After the series was over, we decided to dispose of him. I remember that we beat him senseless, tied him up in chains, repeatedly stabbed him with a sharp knife and hurled him into the deepest pit we could find, just to make sure that we'd never -ever- have to see that little bastard again!
-Yoshi: But somehow, he has survived and now he's back to irritate us to death again! Haaaargh, it's a nightmare! Wake up, Yoshi, wake up, it's just a bad dream! Aiieee, please let this just be a bad dream!
-Oogtar: Yo, dino dood, mellow out, man! Like, screwabunga!
-Yoshi: Screwabunga yourself! Don't come any closer!
-Mario: We hate you, Oogtar! You're ugly and annoying, so just go and set fire to yourself!
-Oogtar: Oogtar hear ya mondo groovy buncha guyz make a new TV seriez, so Oogtar come help out wid da cool action an' jiggy joke lines! It's good to be back in da hood!
-Yoshi: We're doomed now, we will all die a slow, agonizing and deeply humiliating death. It's so unfair, I would've wanted to appear in a halfway decent TV program before I died....
They are then interrupted by the voice of Fryguy, who's face has popped up on the screens again.
-Fryguy: Uh, right. The eliminatories are over, and they were really scary! Now, it's on to the finals! Our eight finalists will slug it out one-on-one in separate duels until there's only one left. And my immensely tacky pairing-up-finalists-machine tells me that the two contestants for our first battle will be Oogtar and Mouser!
Cut to a shot of the Koopa Koliseum's main outdoor arena, with a large crowd surrounding it. Oogtar skips onto the arena with a big grin and turns to the crowd.
-Oogtar: Yo, spectator-esque style duudz, me da man!
-Crowd: Booooh! Who is that idiot?! Kill him! Kill him!
Mouser then slanters onto the arena, and gives Oogtar a look of disgust.
-Mouser: I have to fight -this- moron? Man, what a let-down. I was hoping some of the contestants would at least be hot guys with big muscles...oh well, I'll just waste the little twerp rapidly.
-Oogtar: Hey, hey, hip'n groovy homo rodent dood, chill it! Don' have an overdose! Oogtar da man an' Oogtar be here to stay!
-Mouser: Oh, piss off.
Mouser rapidly pulls a Magnum pistol from his belt, points it at Oogtar and fires. Oogtar's head explodes in a cloud of gory sludge, and his headless corpse sinks to the ground with a squishy noise, as a puddle of blood gradually expands from his messy remains. Mouser coolly blows some smoke from his gun and then does a victory pose to the crowd.
-Mouser: Hello, boys! Here's a pose for all my loyal, and hopefully rugged handsome fans!
-Crowd: Yaaayyy! Way to go! He saved us from Oogtar! You go! Rainbow power!
Cut back to Fryguy, who trembles nervously as he speaks these words into his microphone:
-Fryguy: Th...this means our first round is over, with Mouser as the winner. Oh no, it's getting so scary! Our second battle is about to begin, which will pit two more contestants against each other. The next match is Mario versus Yoshi!
Cut to a shot of Mario and Yoshi standing face-to-face on the arena.
-Yoshi: Well, Mario, since we both came to save the princess, we don't really need to fight, right, so I'll just go away now and leave you to move on, okay?
-Mario: Not so fast, we need this to look convincing, so that Koopa's forces won't suspect us!
-Yoshi: But of course they suspect us as it is! You're just looking for a cheap excuse to beat someone up here!
-Mario: You bet, I just wanna smash everyone's face in! Now eat it!
Mario then takes out Luigi and swings him at Yoshi, but Yoshi jumps out of the way and shoots out his tongue. With his long tongue, Yoshi nicks Luigi from Mario's hands and swallows him.
-Yoshi: Fine then, if you want a fight, you'll get it! What will you do now that I've eaten your weapon, huh?
-Mario: I'll just sit back and enjoy the show. Yoshi, aren't you feeling a bit strange?
Yoshi slowly goes purple in the face and begins to stagger around.
-Yoshi: Uuuhrrrg, my stomach hurts. Oh no, that was a mistake! Eating something as nasty as Luigi....Beurk! What have I done?!
Yoshi gags and convulses a few times, after which he spits out Luigi. Yoshi then sinks to the ground, clutching his aching stomach.
-Yoshi: Nooo, that was too disgusting! I'm finished.....I've got to puke!
Yoshi then runs off to the loo to puke while Mario victoriously swings Luigi around over his head.
-Mario: Ta-dahhh, excellent victory! I rule!
-Fryguy: Well, so much for our second match. Mario wins by cruelly beating up even his own friend, and we move on to match number three! This match will see the assassin Sanshiro take on the wizard Satoru! These two powerhouses have personal vendettas against each other! This match is bound to be scary, so I badly need some ciggies before we start!
Cut to a shot of Sanshiro standing on the arena. His long black coat flutters in the wind. The crowd has gone silent upon seeing this imposing figure, when suddenly Satoru jumps onto the ring as well, still clad in his white ceremonial gown. He and Sanshiro face each other for a short moment. Sanshiro then takes off his sunglasses and smiles.
-Sanshiro: Why, hello Satoru.
-Satoru:....I've been looking for you for a long time.
-Sanshiro: Have you really?
-Satoru: Now, I can finally grant myself this wish I have made...
Satoru then joins his hands and fires a blast of energy in Sanshiro's direction, but he has no trouble deflecting Satoru's attack by rapidly dressing a force field.
-Sanshiro: Tell me, Satoru, aren't you by any chance trying to...kill me? You want to kill me, the person who killed your charming sister Hotaru? Satoru, you still are....really cute *grin*.
-Satoru: Argh! You bastard! You're the one who killed my sister! You talked her into taking up smoking, and two weeks later she died of lung cancer! It's your fault!
-Sanshiro: I see. And do you really think you can bring yourself to kill me?
-Satoru: I...I have...
-Sanshiro: You can't do it, Satoru, there's no way. Now, I've been meaning to tell you something for a long time. You see, I've always felt that....
-Sanshiro: That you look like a total girl in that gown! Hah! It's a ridiculous sight!
Satoru's eyes widened in shock upon hearing this, and big tears welled up in them. After a short silence, Satoru burst out in desperate weeping and ran away, shouting that Sanshiro was such a terrible meanie. Sanshiro just smirked and put his sunglasses back on.
-Sanshiro: Hmmm......Really cute. Well, while I'm here, I might as well stay and have a little fun with this tournament.
He then turns to the crowd and stares intensely.
-Sanshiro: All of them, I'll kill everyone. They will all die. Everyone will die!
At that point, Fryguy's voice is heard from the microphones, screaming in panic.
-Fryguy: Eeeyaaaahh! Scaryyyy! Nooo, I don't wanna dieeee! Mister Sanshiro, please don't hurt me, I'm so scaaared! Shrieeeeek! Aaaaahrg!
Fryguy's deafening screams resound all over the arena, and the spectators wince in agony as they hold their ears to dampen the grinding noise of his panicky screams. Soon, various cries can be heard from the suffering crowd
-"Oi, someone shut that stupid commentator up!"-
-"My ears are ringing! If he keeps screaming like that, we'll all go deaf!"-
At that moment, Wario pops up behind Fryguy, wearing large earplugs. He punches Fryguy unconscious and grabs his microphone.
-Wario: No need to worry! I am Wario, the magnificent! I've come here to defeat Mario and prove myself worthy of a place in this series! I can assure you that I will win this tournament, and I'll wipe the floor with that Sanshiro dweeb! I'll beat them all, and I'll pound you the hardest, Mario! You will see me in action during the next fight, where I have to face some scruffy bum called Robot 3-TX, who will no doubt be beaten to shrapnel in mere seconds, so let's get it on!
-Fryguy: Excuse me, could I have my microphone back?
Fryguy has regained consciousness and seems to have calmed down. Wario hands him the mike and then strolls off, laughing loudly.
-Fryguy: A-herm, yes....our next fight will indeed be Wario versus Robot 3-TX. Just hope it won't be as scary as this one. This Sanshiro guy could be a menace to everyone. Oh, it's so scary! Anyway, on with the fights....
Cut to a shot of the arena. Wario is facing the large Robot 3-TX, who is in fact the armored suit in which Triclyde has concealed himself. Due to the metal helmets, it's impossible to see Triclyde's faces. Wario faces the crowd and grins broadly.
-Wario: Now, you will finally see my true brilliance! Everyone wil recognise my awesomeness when they see me pounding this oversized tin can to bits with great ease! Just watch, I'll whup his ass! Ha ha ha ha ha! Woo ha ha ha haaa!
But while Wario continues to gloat insanely, Robot 3-TX has pointed a built-in rocket launcher mounted in it's right arm at Wario's back. With a crashing noise, a rocket is fired at Wario's bum, who was too busy showing off. Once he notices, it's too late, the rocket explodes and Wario is sent soaring into the sky with a yelp of agony. His scream fades away until there's only a small glint in the sky. Robot 3-TX then strides away silently.
-Fryguy: Well, it looks like an easy surprise victory for Robot 3-TX who coldly took advantage of the absent-mindedness of his foe. Phew, this was a pleasingly un-scary match, thank heavens. Allright, this means the first round of the finals is over, let's have a quick re-cap of what happened so far. Our eight finalists were pitted against each other in four matches. The first match saw a pleasingly rapid and bloody death for Oogtar at the hands of Mouser, who is surely one of the favorites in this tournament. Yoshi was then defeated with ease by one of our most fearsome and brutal contestants; Mario. Our third match was won by the scary Sanshiro's flair for wicked comments, and finally, match number four's winner is Robot 3-TX who defeated Wario with surprising ease. Four of our contestants have bitten the dust, the remaining four will duke it out in the second level of the finals! But first, we'll take a short break so that our fighters can freshen up, and I can re-stock on cigarettes. See ya soon!
Fryguy then speeds away and rushes towards a cigarette machine in the distance, into which he begins to pump gallons of coins. The four remaining fighters then walk away to take a break. Cut to a shot of Robot 3-TX in a dark room. The three helmets slide off and Clyde's three heads pop out to hold a quick conference.
-Triclyde: Well, we've gotten this far, but it looks like things will start to get serious from now on.
-Righty: That's true. The small fry has been eliminated, the remaining contestants are the ones that might actually put up some kind of serious resistance.
-Lefty: Ooooh, the suspense is killing us.
-Triclyde: Hmm, even though this robotic armor is highly powerful, we may have reason to worry...We know how dangerous Mouser can be, and he's insanely persistent as well. And then there's this Sanshiro, that one's got me really worried.
-Righty: I just hope we won't have to face that freak....
-Lefty: And what about Mario?
-Triclyde: Mario's the -least- of our worries. Now, let's make good use of this short break time.
Cut to a shot of Sanshiro, who's standing on the very highest point of the rooftop of the Koopa Koliseum building, while his trenchcoat flutters in the wind. He smirks nastily.
-Sanshiro: They will all die...All the idiots inside this building, I'll kill them, every one of them. Soon, there will be so much blood. Eh heh heh heh....
His smirk broadens as some sunlight reflects off his glasses. Cut to a view of a small lake with a waterfall, just outside the city. A figure can be seen, seated in this waterfall. Zooming in, the figure is revealed to be Mouser. He is sitting, shirtless, in a meditating pose, while the cold streams of the waterfall batter down upon his shoulders. Zoom in on his face, as he speaks to himself.
-Mouser: I will be the one to win this tournament. Nothing will stand in my way this time. If I win, I'll be able to kill princess Toadstool, and then, the road to everlasting happiness with Lord Koopa will be open to me! Anyone who dares to stand in my way....I'll crush them into the dirt, completely!
Determined, he then rises to his feet, and accidentally bumps his head against a hanging tree trunk just above him.
-Mouser: Ouch. Dammit, I can't see a thing in this stupid waterfall.
Cut back to a shot inside the halls of the Koopa Koliseum, where Mario is strolling about, in a most carefree fashion. He takes out a big sandwich and grins happily.
-Mario: Ahh, a short break is just the thing I needed to munch down on a delicious jumbo sandwich!
But just as he's about to sink his teeth into the sandwich, Fryguy's voice can be heard over the Koliseum's speaker system.
-Fryguy: Uhm...excuse me, our break is over, and it's back to the violence now.
-Mario: Aw, knackers.
-Fryguy: It's been decided that the first battle of this round of the finals will be Mario versus Mouser!
-Mario: *gulp* Uh-oh, double knackers.
Cut to a shot of the Koliseum's main arena. Mouser and Mario are facing each other, in a tense atmosphere.
-Mario: Oh, Mouser, you're all wet.
-Mouser: I was meditating under a waterfall, okay?
-Mario: I didn't know you could meditate....I figured you mostly just smash the place up.
-Mouser: Look, it's not important, just drop the subject. It makes no difference, Mario, as you will now die.
-Mario: What have I done now?
-Mouser: Heh heh heh....It's a pleasant surprise, really. Not only will this tournament allow me to impress the hell out of Lord Koopa and kill that annoying tramp princess Toadstool, but now it has also given me the opportunity to kill you, the number one foe of the Koopa forces. You are the one who constantly makes my Lord Koopa suffer, I'm going to make you pay for that!
He then takes out a chaingun and fires a multitude of bullets at Mario. With a shriek of panic, Mario jumps out of the way, and the bullets fly off into the distance. Screams are heard from the crowd as a few spectators fall to the ground, mortally wounded by Mouser's bullets.
-Mouser: Nuts, I missed! Another one, chaaarrrrge!
He begins to fire more bullets all over the shop, but Mario keeps dodging. Several more spectators are killed by the stray bullets while this goes on. Fryguy comments on the situation through the microphones:
-Fryguy: Oh no, it's scary! We finally have a fight that lasts for more than mere seconds, but I really wish Mouser wouldn't accidentally kill so many spectators. It's really scary! Oh, but now it looks as if Mario is going to counterattack....
Indeed, Mario has taken out Luigi and rushes towards Mouser with a loud war cry. He slaps Mouser with Luigi a few times, but this seems to have no effect at all.
-Mouser: Hah, that didn't hurt at all!
-Mario: Oh no, this is just what I need! Luigi must be having a malfunction, and now I'll have to fix him!
Mario then begins to inspect Luigi, and takes Luigi's left earlobe between his fingers.
-Mario: Now, maybe if I tighten this switch here....
He twists the earlobe around a bit, and Luigi screams in agony.
-Mario: No, that's not it....His battery can't be flat, it must be something else.
-Mouser: Don't bother with it, Mario! Face it, you're finished! You will die today!
Mouser points his cannon at Mario with those words, but before he can fire, Mario casually speaks these words.
-Mario: Well, sorry to spoil your fun, but I won't die in this battle.
-Mouser: And just how will you pull that off, eh?
-Mario: It's simple, I give up.
-Mario: I give up and declare that you're the winner. There, battle's over, see ya.
Mario then walks away, whistling a silly melody, but Mouser doesn't seem pleased with this victory.
-Mouser: Grrrr, damn you, Mario! Don't think you can get away from me so easily! You may have survived this encounter, but I'll track you down someday, and kill you!
Fryguy then cuts in via the microphone again
-Fryguy: Uhhh, right. Mouser wins this round, which means he has made it into this tournament's final battle. Now, to decide who will be his opponent, Sanshiro and Robot 3-TX will fight it out in our next battle, which will surely be the most scary fight yet! Oh well, the sooner we start, the sooner it's over....I hope.
Cut back to a shot of the arena, where Sanshiro is now standing before Robot 3-TX.
-Sanshiro: So, you're the next one who wants to die? Fine with me, but you really should take off those tacky steel helmets first.
He then rapidly flicks his wrist, which causes Robot 3-TX's three metal headsets to fall apart, thus revealing Triclyde's three heads. Some gasps of astonishment go through the crowd, and Fryguy makes the following microphone-based comment.
-Fryguy: Oh, what a shock revelation! The enigmatic Robot 3-TX's true identity is Triclyde! It's well known that he is a ruthless and cruel being who opposes the Koopa forces, so things have gotten really scary now! I'm too afraid to watch, mommyyyy!
As Fryguy quickly hides himself underneath a desk, Triclyde speaks to his other two heads.
-Triclyde: So we've been exposed, big deal. What matters now is to find a way to beat this Sanshiro guy. I can only think of one thing; let rip with full firepower and hope for the best.
-Lefty: Sounds good to me.
-Righty: Sort of a Mouser-style approach, right?
-Triclyde: Sort of. Now do it!
The robotic armor's full arsenal is then employed as a multitude of concealed machine gun turrets in the mechanic suit pop up and begin to fire their bullets at Sanshiro. But he just smirks and looks up with a piercing stare. All the bullets fired by Triclyde's suit then transform into harmless cherry blossom petals that drift towards the ground.
-Triclyde: Incredible! He neutralised all of our fire in the blink of an eye!
-Righty: Clyde, what should we do now?
-Sanshiro: Ho ho ho ho....Is that your best performance? Hah, conventional weaponry is of no use against me. Now, it's time for you to die.
-Triclyde: What the....? I can't move anymore!
-Lefty: Same here, I can't move a muscle. Well, I can still blab on, but I can't, like walk or anything.
-Righty: Our body is totally paralysed! This must be another one of Sanshiro's tricks!
-Sanshiro: That's exact. You're paralysed by my magic, there's no escaping now. Even if you beg hystrerically, I'll still just kill you, and I'll enjoy doing it!
Sanshiro then leisurely walks up to Triclyde, who struggles to move but can't escape the effect of Sanshiro's paralisation magic. Once Sanshiro has moved close to his prey, he stretches out his hand and lets a blast of energy explode against the robotic suit's steel hide. The blast severely damages the machine.
-Righty: No way! The machine is ruined, we've lost all control over it! It's systems have taken a fatal blow, it's gone completely haywire!
The Robot 3-TX suit then begins to hop around the arena insanely, totally out of control. It performs a few silly dance steps, runs around circles, does a pirhouette and finally explodes. Triclyde soars out of the explosion, strapped to an emergency escape jet-chair.
-Triclyde: Thank heavens the emergency escape system still worked somehow.
-Righty: I just hope we won't land in the sea....
Clyde soars off into the distance and lands in the sea as Sanshiro coldly muses to himself.
-Sanshiro: Well, he may have gotten out of this alive, but the next one won't be so lucky. I'm looking forward to quenching my thirst for blood and suffering. Wu ha ha ha haaa!
Fryguy then clambers out of his hiding place and picks up his microphone again.
-Fryguy: Ohhh, this is just as I feared, the last two remaining fighters who will slug it out in our final round are the most scary ones! The final battle of this tournament will oppose Mouser and Sanshiro! Whatever happens, it will be scary....And to increase the cheapo drama effect, this episode's pointless insert song is Ai no Senshi, which means we're pulling a blatant knock-off on a far superior series, but oh well. It's now time for the final battle, and boy am I scared!
Ai no Senshi begins to play in the background. Camera cuts to an overhead shot of the arena, as the two contestants walk towards the centre of the battlefield. Close-up of Mouser, who speaks these words to himself:
-Mouser: I've come all this way...Just one more battle to win, and I will have made it! Once I've won this, my every wish will come true, I'm -so- close to my goal I can almost taste it!
-Sanshiro: Hmm, you really are a spirited one...I like that in you, boy, but still, you have no chance in the world against me.
-Mouser: I know that you're a tough one, but I won't be beaten, not when I'm this close! Lord Koopa, I'm doing this for you! Uwoohrrrrr, power to meee!!
With a roar of fury, Mouser then takes out as many guns as he can and lets rip with an enormous discharge of hefty firepower. Machine guns, magnums, rocket launchers, UZI's, bazookas and flame throwers bark out a blazing wall of steel and fire, but all to no effect. With his cold grin, Sanshiro just stands there and watches as Mouser's bullets turn into a haze of soft cherry blossom petals.
-Mouser: What the...??
-Sanshiro: Haven't you seen how I defeated Triclyde before you? Now, it's your turn to die!
Sanshiro then reaches forward, and a shockwave is fired from the palm of his hand, which slams Mouser against the ground.
-Mouser: Uhhrrrrg, that really smarts, Owww, oh man....
-Sanshiro: You see, it's over now. Soon, you and everyone else will die here.
-Mouser: N...no, I can't give up, not now! If I don't stop him, even Lord Koopa will be in danger from him!
Zoom out and cut to a shot of Koopa and the princess, deep inside the Koliseum building. They've been watching the tournament on a big video monitor.
-Princess: Koopa, it's getting too risky! If this Sanshiro guy wins, he'll blow the place sky high! And if Mouser wins, you'll have to turn me over to him as the winner's prize, and I don't think I'm going to like what Mouser will want to do to me!
-Koopa: Oh, *dumb smirk* that's nothing to worry about, you know he goes for the boys, he won't try anything funny on you.
-Princess: No, no, that's not it! Mouser wants to kill me because he's jealous of my being with you! The ground is getting too hot underneath our feet here!
-Koopa: Yikes! My feet?! If you put it that way, we really should scram! Let's go!
Koopa then takes her hand and begins to run away. Cut to a close-up of them running in panic.
-Princess: Wait, where are we going?!
-Koopa: There's a secret escape route out of the Koliseum! Now, I just need to remember where the hell it is....
-Princess: You -forgot- where your secret exit is?! I don't believe this!
-Koopa: Don't worry, I'll find it soon enough!
Cut back to the outside arena. Mouser has staggered back on his feet, breathing heavily.
-Sanshiro: This isn't possible! How can you still stand up after taking my shockwave?! You shouldn't even be able to move now that I'm using my paralisation magic! How can you possibly resist it's effect?!
-Mouser: I...can't let you...go any further. I've got to....got to win!
Mouser then takes out a shotgun and clutches it.
-Sanshiro: You idiot! You know very well that a gun's bullets have no effect on me!
-Mouser: I never said I would fire it at you. Eat this!
Mouser then flings the shotgun in Sanshiro's direction, and the blunt weapon ends up painfully hitting the sinister assassin's face with a loud "thwack" noise.
-Sanshiro: Owww, that hurts!
-Mouser: All right, it works! Have some more!
Mouser then begins to take truckloads of guns from his pockets and throws them all at Sanshiro who cowers in panic from this onslaught.
-Sanshiro: Nooo, stop it! My magic isn't strong enough to neutralize such big and heavy objects! Stooop! Owie, owie, owie!
Once Mouser has flung his last gun at Sanshiro, he rushes over to the crowd and picks up a nearby spectator.
-Mouser: 'Scuse me, I'm just borrowing him for a while.
He then begins to throw every spectator he can get his hands on at Sanshiro. Once the spectators have been used up, Mouser begins to tear chunks out of the walls and floor around him and hurls those at Sanshiro instead. A while later, about half of the building is destroyed, and Sanshiro has disappeared under a mountain of debris, guns and dead spectators. Fryguy comes rushing onto what's left of the arena and holds up Mouser's left arm in triumph.
-Fryguy: We have a winner! Mouser has defeated every opponent with his usual flair for massive, brutal and scary destruction. In doing so, he has also saved us from being murdered by Sanshiro (well, so he did kill almost all of the crowd, but oh well). He is the champion, he's got the power! Applause, please!
The few spectators that are still alive politely clap for a while and then run off as fast as they can.
-Mouser: Yes, yes, that's very nice, but where's my prize? Give me princess Toadstool so that I can kill her!
-Fryguy: Oh well gee, where -is- the prize?
Just then a door swings open behind them and Koopa and the princess walk onto the arena.
-Koopa: There, this should be the secret exit just now. I knew I'd find it sooner or later!
-Princess: Uhh, wrong turn, Koopa.
-Mouser: Ahhh, I've been waiting for this!
Mouser then takes out one more pistol and aims it at the princess.
-Princess: Shriek! Ohmigosh, Koopa, do something!
-Koopa: What?! He's a raving maniac with a gun, what can -I- do to stop him?!
-Princess: You -can- do something! Koopa, think! There is only one thing Mouser wants more in the world than my death!
-Koopa:....*gulps* You're right...I get it, leave it to me.
Koopa coughs a few times and then walks in Mouser's direction.
-Koopa: Mouser, wait a minute. As the organizer of this tournament, I'd like to personally congratulate our champion first.
-Mouser: Oh...Lord Koopa, why...*blush* I don't know what to say....
-Koopa: Don't speak, just take a good look.....Mouser, look at this!!
With those words, Koopa then performs an over-the-top high kick. Due to the Chun-Li costume he's still wearing, this allows Mouser to see Koopa's undies. A short pause follows, after which Mouser crashes to the ground with streams of blood squirting from his nose.
-Mouser: Ohhh, baby! I saw it! A frilly pink lace slip....and it was see-through! I could....just....die now....ahhh.
He then faints on the spot, and the princess then grabs Koopa and runs away with him at full pelt.
-Princess: Now let's make a run for it and save ourselves! Arrividerci, suckers!
They rush off into the distance, while the camera zooms out on the remains of the Koliseum. Fryguy's voice can still be heard.
-Fryguy: Waiiit, what about me? Don't leave me behind in this place, I'm scaaaared!
END of this episode