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Super Mario Parody Story:
The Super Mario Bros. Freaky Show!

By Toasty
-Mario: Okay, listen. Sit down, relax...I've got something to tell you, and you're not going to like it. See, basically, it's the Super Mario Brothers' Freaky Show. Lord knows I tried to stop it....

Episode 10: "Welcome to Suicide Mountain!"

"Plumber's log, number somethingorother. Something pretty decent actually happened. The princess decided to take us on a winter sports vacation, to Suicide Mountain. Okay, so the facility's rubbish, but she's paying, so might as well make the most of it, right?"

Fade in to a shot of a snow-covered mountain resort. Mario and co are standing on top of the mountain, looking out over the clear blue sky.

-Toad: This place sure has a lot of snow...

-Mario: It's pretty groovy! I've never seen so much white powder gathered together in my life! Like, totally funky!

-Princess: But Mario, that's snow.

-Mario: Ah, I see. So, how do you sniff this snow stuff? Or do you inject it?

-Princess: *sigh* Never mind....

-Toad: It's pretty cool of you to treat us to a ski vacation, princess. And I thought you were a greedy cow...

-Princess: Oh well, that's what friends are for, right? I figured we could use a slight vacation. Now, you boys stay here and wait while I go and rent the skis and snowboards. I'll be right back.

The princess then heads towards a ski shoppe in the distance. Cut to a shot inside this ski boutique. The counter is manned by a Shy-guy, who addresses the princess in these words as she enters.

-Shy-guy: Ah, there you are, finally! Lord Koopa has been growing impatient!

-Princess: Yes, well, everything is in place. Our victims have arrived. Get me through to Koopa.

-Shy-guy: Right away!

The Shy-guy then hands her a walkie-talkie, and she speaks these words into the device:

-Princess: I'm back, luvverboy. Is my ugly bloated puddle of swine's drool receiving me?

Koopa's voice is then heard from the device:

-Koopa: Oh wow, a dirty phonecall! Yeah, I read you loud and clear, hot stuff! So, how's the plan going?

-Princess: Everything's running smoothly. Mario and co are here, they don't suspect a thing. I lured them out here with a stupid story about taking them on a vacation. The suckers! If only they knew what we have planned for them! Huwaaa ha ha ha ha! They'll never survive!

-Koopa: That's for sure! I have all my men standing by, the mountain is littered with lethal booby traps. They'll ski right into their graves!

-Princess: Perfect! The entire mountain is one big deathtrap, as soon as I get Mario onto a pair of skis, he'll be as good as dead! Once Mario is finally killed, no-one will ever interrupt us anymore! Just make sure that your flunkies don't mess up!

-Koopa: Count on it, foxy babe! Over and out.

Screen then switches to a shot of Koopa who has just switched off his walkie-talkie. He's dressed in a long mink fur coat, with his bare feet sticking out underneath. He then sits down in a folding chair and turns to two Flurries who are timidly standing in front of him. The Flurries are dressed in tight black leather corsets with high-heeled black leather boots and chains around their ankles. And they're looking pretty embarrassed.

-Flurry #1: Did he have to make us wear these costumes?

-Flurry #2: He probably gets off on that sort of thing.

-Flurry #1: He gets off on damn near -anything-.

-Koopa: Stop yakking, you two, and get to work! I want my feet licked, slaves!

-Flurry #2: Okay, let's go, then.

The Flurries then doggedly drag themselves over to Koopa who has pointed his feet forward, and they begin to slobber all over said feet.

-Koopa: Mmmmh, a bit lower...ahh, that's the spot, right there, oohhhh, yes.....

Switch to a shot of the princess, who is dragging a set of skis and snowboards towards Toad and Yoshi.

-Princess: There we are, I got the equipment, we're all ready to go now. But, where did Mario go?

-Toad: He got tired of waiting, so he started to snowboard down the mountain by himself.

-Princess: But that makes no sense! How can he possibly snowboard down a mountain without a snowboard?

-Toad: He's using Luigi as a board.

-Princess: Dohhh! I should've known...

Cut to a rapid shot of Mario sliding down the mountain, using Luigi as a board.

-Mario: Weee! This is fun! And now, a double rolling jump! Yahoo!

Mario jumps into the air and pulls off a few fancy stunt moves.

-Mario: Yeah, check it out! A triple forward board nose grab! A sideways deluxe cha-cha-cha board twist! And an extra-groovy Sardine Sandwich Special Spin! I'm the king of the slopes!

Mario then lands his "board" on a surface of painful, rock-hard ice. A loud crunching noise is heard as Luigi comes crashing down hard on the ice and continues to slide, leaving a trail of gory chunks behind. Cut back to a shot of the princess with Toad and Yoshi.

-Princess: *thinking to herself* Bummer, man. I wanted to get Mario onto a special exploding snowboard which would blow up at the merest impact. But oh well, he's sliding down the mountain, Koopa's boys should get the better of him yet.

In the meantime, Toad has straddled himself onto a snowboard and prepares to slide off.

-Toad: Here I go! Watch this, guys, I'm the most funky Magic Mushroom to hit the white powdery stuff!

Toad then begins to rush down the mountain, but his board touches the side of a small rock, and it immediately explodes. A black-burned Toad is left lying in the snow.

-Princess: Oh, so that's where the special exploding snowboard went.

-Yoshi: Hmmm, these snowboards look pretty tasty...

-Princess: No, Yoshi you mustn't!

But it's already too late; Yoshi shoves a snowboard into his own mouth, and the snowboard promptly explodes right in his face. He stands there for a while with a black-burned face on which an expression of surprise and disbelief appears. Toad then comes crawling back to Yoshi and the princess.

-Toad: Oh man, that sure is freakish! Princess, that guy at the ski shoppe gave you exploding snowboards!

-Yoshi: It's the first time a snack fights back....

-Toad: Well, I'm going to that ski shop to give that stupid salesman and his naff sense of humour a piece of my mind!

Toad then begins to pace towards the ski cabin, which causes the princess to panic lightly.

-Princess: *to herself* This is bad. If he goes in there and sees that the place is run by Koopa's servants, he could begin to suspect our plan! I've got to do something!

She then picks up two skis, and with a totally apathetic expression, she flings them in Toad's direction.

-Princess:*total monotone* Oh yikes, clumsy me, those skis flew right outta my hand.

The flying skis hit Toad in the back of the head, causing him to pass out just in front of the ski cabin.

-Yoshi: Yeesh, be a little careful, princess. You could've killed him. I know that flinging blunt objects around is buckets of fun, but still, don't do it too often.

-Princess: Allright, I promise that I won't knock people out anymore by throwing skis at them. Now look over there, there's a hotdog stand!

-Yoshi: Where? Where?!

Yoshi turns around in search of a hotdog stand, but finds no such thing since the princess has told him a blatant lie. While he has his back turned, the princess picks up another pair of skis and smacks Yoshi over the head with them. Such is the impact of the blow that the skis break in two and Yoshi falls flat on the ground, unconscious.

-Princess: See, I didn't -throw- those skis. Now to shut these two up for a -long- time. I musn't take any chance of my affair with Koopa leaking out!

She then forcefully kicks Toad and Yoshi in their bums, which sends them hurtling down the mountain slope. As they roll down the mountain, they gradually turn into big, rolling snowballs....

-Princess: There, good riddance! Ahhh ha ha ha haa! It's so much fun to be sneaky, violent and cruel and to commit acts of petty sadism, without anyone suspecting a thing! I love being eeevil!

Zoom out while the princess' manic laugh is heard. Fade out and cut to a shot of Mouser, dressed in a bomber jacket and snug leather leggings. He's standing inside a surveillance tower from which he can overlook part of the mountain. His mission is to keep a look out for Mario and activate the deathtraps once Mario is in range, but he doesn't like this one bit.

-Mouser: Awww, man, it's -freezing- here, jeezus....brrr, I shouldn't wear tight leather trousers in such cold conditions. *sigh* If only I could be huddled in Lord Koopa's strong arms, to bask in the warm glow of his huge pecs....ahhh *big blush*.

But Mouser's dirty daydream is then interrupted by the sound of Mario's voice. From the windows of the surveillance post, Mario can clearly be seen, sliding past on Luigi.

-Mario: Weee! Turbo speed! To heck with golf and tennis, from now on, snowboard is my fave sport! Weeyahooo!

Mouser has picked up an intercom, into which he speaks these words:

-Mouser: This is Alpha-Gamma-Lollipop speaking. The target has been sighted and is nearing the first deathtrap. Standing by for your orders.

For the intercom, Koopa's voice can be heard, replying in these terms:

-Koopa: Alpha-Gamma-Lollipop, I only have one order to give you; kill! Fire at will, murder Mario with whatever means you have at your disposal!

-Mouser: Understood! Alpha-Gamma-Lollipop, over and out!

He then tosses the intercom away and turns to a large control panel in the surveillance post.

-Mouser: Lord Koopa is counting on me! I will do just as his sexy voice has commanded! Full power! Fire all gun turrets!

Cut back to Mario, who is still gleefully rushing down the mountain on his improvised board. Suddenly, the ground begins to rumble and a large number of gun turrets pop up from the snow.

-Mario: What the....?

Before Mario can react, the turrets begin to fire Bullet Bills in every direction, which causes Mario to panic.

-Mario: Whoaaa! Holy smoke!

Mario begins to zig-zag around and perform daring escape maneuvers to stay away from the bullets that are exploding around him left, right and center.

-Mario: This is no good, there are too many of them! I've got to get out of here, somehow. Very well then, here goes! Speed up!

Mario the crouches down, thus causing his "board" to dig deeper into the snow and slide off at twice it's original speed. With this boost, he manages to escape all the gun turrets unscratched and breathes a sigh of relief. Cut back to Mouser who has been watching this whole scene on a monitor and is most displeased. So much in fact that he has crushed several parts of the control panel with his bare hands.

-Mouser: Ohhh, crap! He's using a special kind of snowboard! I didn't expect him to survive the gun turret range. But Lord Koopa told me to kill him with whatever means I have, and that's just what I'll do! I'm going after him myself!

He then jumps out of the control tower and overlooks the mountain slope for a while.

-Mouser: Now, I need something I can use as a board....

But at that point, Yoshi and Toad, who have by now become two giant, rolling snowballs come rumbling past and squash Mouser flat into the snow. He rapidly rises to feet again, looking even more enraged.

-Mouser: And those two snowballs will die as well! Hurrrrrgh!

He then rips a nearby tree out of the ground and flings it down the slope. As the tree trunk begins to slide down the mountain, he jumps onto it and uses this as a snowboard to chase his targets.

-Mouser: They won't get away with this! No-one messes with me and lives! Groarrrrrgh!

Cut to a shot of Koopa who's barking into a walkie-talkie. The Flurries meanwhile are lying on the ground, out of breath.

-Koopa: Oi, Alpha-Gamma-Lollipop, come in, willya?! Yo, anyone there? Ooh, traggots, he's not responding anymore. Oh well, on to plan B, then.

He turns to his walkie again and speaks these words into it:

-Koopa: Calling Delta-Tango-Boxershort, come in Delta-Tango-Boxershort....

From Koopa's device, a crackling noise is heard, followed by Fryguy's voice, timidly pronouncing this phrase.

-Fryguy: Delta-Tango-Boxershort here...muh, milord, I'm scared! This mountain is way too high and cold and scaaary!

-Koopa: Oh, stop being such a whiner! This is no time for twerpiness, you need to come into action now!

-Fryguy: But I'm too scaaared!

-Koopa: Listen, you've got a job to do! We have reason to believe that Mario has survived the gun turret range (after all, Mouser has a tendency for messing up hopelessly) so, it's up to you now! You need to enact plan B! And don't you dare mess up! Over and out, and I hope that's clear!

Cut to a shot of Fryguy, standing in the snow. His walkie has gone silent, and he's looking forlorn and panicky.

-Fryguy: Ohmigosh, ohmigosh, I really need to calm my nerves now! A one, a two...

He then takes a deep breath and stuffs a large number of cigarettes into his mouth, all of which he lights and smokes up in one big huff.

-Fryguy: Phewwww, much better. Okay, plan B...uhm, what was plan B again? Eek! Did I forget?! No way! What should I do if I forgot?! Oh yikes, oh yikes! I need to calm my nerves again!

He repeats his multiple ciggie-slurping routine once more, after which a more relaxed expression appears on his face.

-Fryguy: Oh yeah, I remember now. Plan B is to blow up the thin icy bridge when Mario comes snowboarding over it. We've blocked up every other route down the mountain, meaning that Mario will -have- to cross the ice bridge at some point, and once he is crossing the bridge, it's up to me to bomb the bridge!

He then looks over at a large Bob-omb lying in the snow next to him.

-Fryguy: That's why they gave me that big bomb, that's what I need to use to blow up the bridge when Mario's trying to cross it. Gosh, it sure looks scary. Right, I need to keep a look out for Mario.

He takes out a pair of binoculars and peers around the mountain, only to spot Mario coming at the thin ice bridge at dead-on speed.

-Fryguy: What the...?! Mario's here already?! Yikes!

Cut to a shot of Mario on his Luigi-board. He's hurtling towards a gaping ice chasm with only a small icy bridge over it. The pits below are deep and filled with frosty spikes, but that doesn't bother Mario.

-Mario: Weeeee! And over the bridge we go! Yahoo!

Cut back to Fryguy who has picked up the large Bob-omb and prepares to toss it.

-Fryguy: Right, now it's time! It's up to me! First, I need to light this bomb.

He takes out a lighter and lights the bomb's fuse. Immediately, the fuse begins to fizz and sparkle right at Fryguy, who is terribly panicked by this.

-Fryguy: Yeeek! Yike! I need to throw it quickly! It's scary! Aiieee!

The fizzing bomb upsets Fryguy's nerves so badly that he hurriedly flings the scary object away from him, without aiming very precisely. Hence it goes flying right over the ice bridge and misses Mario, who continues to slide off into the distance. Cut to a shot at the bottom of the mountain, where the Shy-guy who was manning the ski shoppe has just taken the ski lift down and is glad to be back on firm ground again.

-Shy-guy: There, I did my part, now I can get off this mountain. That's a job well done, yup, yup.

But then, a fizzing noise is heard and suddenly, the bomb that Fryguy has carelessly flung away comes hurtling through the sky right towards the hapless Shy-guy.

-Shy-guy: Aiiieee!

The bomb hits it's victim, and the Shy-guy is engulfed in a violent explosion. Cut back to Fryguy, who is looking most distressed.

-Fryguy: Oh no, I missed! I screwed up! But I couldn't help it, it was so scary!

At that point, a crackling noise is heard from Fryguy's walkie, and he curiously places his ear against the device, only to hear Koopa's voice bellowing these words at full blast from the walkie:

-"Idiooooot!!"-

-Fryguy: Eek! Milord, I'm so sorry! I got scared and messed up!

-Koopa: I can tell you did, you moron! Now do something, quickly!

-Fryguy: Okay! I'll send my most deadly servants after Mario, they'll finish him, I'm sure of it!

With a dramatic gesture, Fryguy then takes out the Kaleido Moon Smoke and three cigarettes, to whom he addressed these words:

-Fryguy: Louis de Funes, Isabelle Adjani and Yves Montand, I'm counting on you! I command you to go and murder Mario, by the power bestowed upon me through the legendary Kaleido Moon Smoke! Forward, Louis de Funes, Isabelle Adajani and Yves Montand!

From the walkie, Koopa's voice is then heard, screaming in exasperated fury:

-Koopa: You idiooot!! That's no good! You are hopeless! Now contact Zeta-Epsilon-Potato quickly, and tell her to stand by! Over and out!

-Fryguy: Uh...yes! But...Zeta-Epsilon-Potato...that's Miss Trashika's post....

Cut to a shot of Triclyde, still transvestised as Trashika, shivering in the cold mountain snow.

-Triclyde: Ohhh, crap, what was I thinking of? I just -had- to wear a flimsy Laura Ashley spring dress in the freezing snow!

Lefty then pops out of the dress' buste and adds the following comment:

-Lefty: I told you we should've gone for MaxMara instead.

-Triclyde: Oi, it's not like I'm wearing a dress for fun!

-Lefty: Really? I'm beginning to quite like it, frankly.

-Triclyde: I'm a man, I don't go around buying dresses on a regular basis!

Righty then joins the conversation as well.

-Righty: Lord Koopa's a man as well, but he goes about spending fortunes on high-heels, corsets, stockings, bikinis and leather gear all the time.

-Triclyde: Lord Koopa is not a normal man!

-Lefty: So, like, since when has anyone on this series ever been normal?

-Righty: In any case, it sucks that the only disguise we have is this flimsy dress, it's freezing in here.

-Lefty: See, that's why I think MaxMara is a better option.

-Righty: Yeah, right, you just want to wear that flamingo pink they do.

-Lefty: Well, don't you think it looks neat?

-Triclyde: Will you two put a lid on it?! Now seriously, we need to look for a way to overthrow Koopa and regain our posts as supreme rulers! And this is a perfect chance! The whole mountain is riddled with killer traps! Right here, we have a field of deadly remote mines, that we're supposed to activate when Mario comes by, but I have no intention of wasting such fine weaponry on him!

-Lefty: Oooh, does that mean we're going to have fun with remote mines on Koopa?

-Triclyde: Heh, you've guessed it quickly.

-Righty: Well, it's quick for Lefty's standards in any case....

At that moment, a walkie-talkie strapped around Righty's neck begins to crackle, and Fryguy's hesitant, trembling voice is heard.

-Fryguy: Uhm....hello? Zeta-Epsilon-Potato? Come in, please. Miss Trashika, are you there?

-Righty: Phonecall for you, Clyde.

-Triclyde: Oh, right.

Clyde then turns to the walkie, and faking his Trashika voice, he replies in these words:

-Triclyde: Well, hello there. This is lil' ol' Zeta-Epsilon-Potato, reading you loud and clear allrighty. What's cooking?

-Fryguy: Uhm...it's just that...well, I messed up. And now Mario's on his way to your post, to the final deathtrap. So you need to stand by and activate the remote mines when Mario arrives so that he's killed.

-Triclyde: Oki-doki, that's just peachy. Zeta-Epsilon-Potato is standing by, over and out. Bye-bye!

Lefty then turns the Clyde and gives him a long stare.

-Lefty: You know, when you do that girly talk routine, Clyde, you're really very cute...

-Triclyde: You never lay off, do you?

Cut back to Fryguy, who is staring at his walkie. He mutters these words to himself:

-Fryguy:...Trashika....I've...ever since I first saw her, I had...I hhhhad a hhhot flasssh forrr her, but.....but then she...when her wig fell off...she's a guy...she's Triclyde, so....so does that mean that I hhhave a hhhot fllllash for...Triclyde? Or for Trashika? But Trashika -is- Triclyde and I am....What the hell does that make meeee? What should I do??

Cut to a shot of Triclyde. Fryguy's ramblings can be heard clearly from the walkie around Righty's neck. Clyde and Lefty are listening with disturbed and amused looks on their faces respectively as Fryguy's monologue continues in these words:

-Fryguy: So if Trashika and Triclyde are one and the same do I....does that make me....?? Waaah, I hate it! Booohoohoo!

Righty then switches off the walkie and turns to the two other heads.

-Righty: I suppose we're lucky that Fryguy is the only person in the world who's dumb enough to leave a walkie on while he's having a little me-so-in-the-closet monologue.

-Lefty: Hmmm, Fryguy, he's really very cute....

-Triclyde: You'll go for just about anyone, won't you?

-Righty: But guys, seriously, what should we do? Fryguy knows our secret, our whole operation could be endangered!

-Triclyde: Yes, that's a serious point...

-Lefty: But he's such a doofus, he's too scared to go spill the beans. I don't think we're in deep trouble.

-Triclyde: Probably, but we musn't take any chances. No, we must nip this in the bud swiftly. Before Fryguy leaks out any info, we'll have to shut him up....And I mean shut him up forever!

-Lefty: Can't we play with him a little before we kill him?

-Triclyde: For the last time; no. He's up there, alone and vulnerable in the snow, we should take this opportunity. Get out the ice picks, boys, we're going to commit a sneaky murder...and it won't be the last one. Nee hee hee....

-Lefty: Mmmmh, when you do your sneaky psycho routine, you're pretty hot as well Clyde...

-Triclyde: Shaddup.

Lefty and Righty then both take long, sharp ice picks in their mouths, and Clyde then sneaks off. After a few seconds of silence, Mario comes sliding past, totally unharmed by the remote mines that Clyde never even activated. Cut to Mario, who continues to get major sadist kicks from sliding down the mountain at full pelt, when suddenly, loud rumbles are heard. Worried, Mario looks around to see two huge snowballs, with the heads of Yoshi and Toad sticking out of them rolling towards him.

-Mario: Erps! What are those two huge snowballs?! They'll crush me if I don't escape! Faster, snowboard, faster!

Nothing happens, so Mario begins to angrily slap his board/brother repeatedly.

-Mario: You imbecile, I said faster! Oh, knickers, he can't go any faster than this! At this rate, I'll be crushed by those snowballs! They're gaining on me! No waaay!

But as the snowballs menacingly close in on Mario, a loud crash is suddenly heard, and two cruise missiles come zooming through the air. The missiles blow up the menacing snowballs, and Yoshi and Toad are flung away into the distance by the explosions. Mario is now safe, but not for long, as Mouser then appears, sliding on the chopped-down tree trunk, with two smoking rocket launchers clenched in his fists.

-Mouser: No, it shall be me and only me who will kill you, Mario!

-Mario: Gasp! What the heck is that lunatic doing here?!

-Mouser: He's going to kill you, that's what! I obey Lord Koopa's orders, and his every lowly impulse as well (well, I want to), and he commands me to eliminate you! You shall now perish in a shower of steel and fire! Die!!

Mouser then immediately springs into action; with blood vessels swelling up and foam dripping from his jaws, he produces chainguns, uzi's, plasma blasters and magnums from lord knows where and sprays Mario with ammo a go-go. But Mario manages to avoid every onslaught by skillfully maneuvering around, which doesn't amuse Mouser.

-Mouser: Damn it! Stand still so I can murder you, you porky ponce!

-Mario: Nyaaah! You're just too slow and clumsy! You can't aim to save your life!

-Mouser: Who says I have to?! I have this as well!

Mouser then takes out a jumbo-sized bazooka and swings it over his shoulder, grinning manically.

-Mouser: Wuhuwahahahaaaa! No matter where I aim, the blast radius of this baby is so big it'll roast you alive! You'll die in gruesome agony! Hyaaahahahahaaa!!

-Mario: Yes, but if you fire that, the noise of the explosion will surely cause an avalanche, and it will kill everyone.

-Mouser: Bullocks! You're bluffing, and even if it was true, I don't care! Now go and rot in hell!

There's no more stopping Mouser; he fires the giant bazooka, and the blast does indeed send both Mario and Mouser flying into the air. They both land in the snow, and Luigi comes hurtling from the sky as well in a few moments. The camera then zooms out to reveal that they've landed right next to Koopa's folding chair. Koopa has gotten up and is looking at the two newcomers with an apathetic expression on his face.

-Koopa: So Mario survived every single trap, and an encounter with Mouser? Looks like I'll have to do it myself...

Koopa takes a pistol from a pocket of his mink coat and aims it at Mario, who is slowly awakening and finds himself staring right at Koopa's gun.

-Koopa: Nighty-night, fat man.

But at that point, Mouser's voice cuts into this scene.

-Mouser: Milord...wait!

-Koopa: Huh?

Koopa looks around, and the camera shows a shot of Mouser, who has staggered back on his feet, even after taking the bazooka blast. He's covered in bruises and swaying on his feet, but he still mutters these words:

-Mouser: Please...let me be the one to kill Mario. Milord...I am your humble servant, it is...it's my duty and my pleasure to serve you in every way. Please let me finish my own job. I wouldn't want to think that I haven't carried out my duties to you properly, my Lord Koopa....

He then gasps a little and falls on his knees, but he refuses to pass out, despite suffering from the strong blast he took. Koopa thinks it over for a while.

-Koopa: Uhm...well, fine with me, go ahead and kill him. If you can manage, in your state.

-Mouser: Trust me, milord....

-Mario: Yeah well, not on yer life, matey! I'm outta here!

Mario then stretches out his arm and grasps Luigi, who was lying in the snow right next to him. With his last forces, he manages to hurl Luigi in Koopa's direction. Quick close-up of Koopa's shocked face as Luigi comes hurtling towards him.

-Mouser: No!!

Gathering all his last forces, Mouser then dashes towards Koopa and takes the blast instead of him. He gets hit on the head by Luigi and falls to the ground in front of Koopa with a muffled crash noise. Koopa is mildly concerned about this.

-Koopa: Eh, Mouser, you allright down there?

-Mouser: Uhnn.....

Mouser then quickly reaches into a pocket of his bomber jacket. A small portable cassette player is hidden inside this pocket. He presses the "play" button, and a piece of slow, sentimental music begins to play as he looks up to Koopa.

-Mouser: Milord....I....I'm....

-Koopa: Say what? What's the matter?

Koopa then kneels down and takes a closer look at Mouser. Mouser quickly takes an onion from his pocket and turns his head away. He rapidly sniffs up the odor of this onion, which causes some big tears to well up in his eyes. He then turns back to Koopa, who hasn't noticed a thing. With his eyes all watery, Mouser then begins to recite the following monologue:

-Mouser: I'm sorry, milord.....I had promised that...that I would protect you, forever, but...it looks like I've failed. I'm so sorry, but from now, you'll be left alone. But please...don't grieve for me, it's not worth it. I'm just...I'm happy to have met you. Thanks to you, my life has had a purpose. I'm glad that I can die for you, milord, for the one whom I have always...whom I always have and always will love....

-Koopa: Mouser....

At that point, the meddlesome Shy-guy pops up behind them and ruins the entire scene with this comment:

-Shy-guy: Oi, Mouser, you only got hit on the head with a Luigi. That's not going to kill you, stop being such a wuss.

A speech bubble with "??" pops up next to Koopa, while Mouser looks terribly cheesed off. He immediately jumps up and angrily looks at the Shy-guy.

-Mouser: You -idiot-, you've ruined everything! I was so close! You total imbecile! And just what are you doing here?! You were hit dead-on by a bomb, you're supposed to be dead!

-Shy-guy: No, no, this is a nice, clean, kiddie-safe show where we tactfully avoid any reference to death, religion or sexual intercourse (even if it screws up plot continuity) and thus keep everyone happy, giddy and protect innocent children's pure souls.

-Mouser: You must be thinking of the wrong show. This is a series full of limitless idiocy, petty sadism, gratuitous slapstick violence and rampant perversities.

-Shy-guy: All our previous series were full of rampant perversities, but no-one ever complained about that either...

-Mouser: Look, it doesn't matter! I hate you for ruining my phoney death scene! Rest assured that I will kill you!

He then takes out a shotgun and points it at the panicked Shy-guy, but Koopa then cuts into this scene:

-Koopa: Uhm, excuse me, but haven't you heard this strange noise? Like a loud, low rumble....?

-Mouser & Shy-guy: Huh?

A menacing rumbling noise can indeed be heard in the distance...Mario then adds his grain of salt

-Mario: I told you, by firing all those guns, Mouser will end up triggering off an avalanche, and it will kill us all....hang on, I'm beginning to sound like Luigi.

-Shy-guy: But he's right, an avalanche -is- coming! We need to get out of here!

-Koopa: We're really in it deep now!

Cut to a shot af Fryguy, who is standing forlornly on the snowy plain, with the rumbling noise getting closer and closer...

-Fryguy: Oh no, what's that sound? It's scary! What should I do?!

At that point, Triclyde pops up behind him, with two sharp, glistening ice picks clasped in Lefty and Righty's jaws.

-Righty: Are you sure that brutally hacking him up with ice picks is a good idea? It's so messy....

-Triclyde: Never mind, just kill him!

But at that point, the rumbling noise grows louder, and a wall of snow and ice appears in the distance, rushing towards them. Fryguy freaks out at this sight.

-Fryguy: My god, it's avalanche! That's scaryyyy! Kyaaaah!!

Fryguy's screams only make things worse and the avalanche now rushes towards them at double speed. Before they can react, the roaring wave of snow engulfs both Fryguy and Triclyde and carries them away. Cut back to Koopa, who is looking very worried.

-Koopa: What should we do now? What should we do?! No way can we outrun an avalanche! We're doomed!

-Mouser: Don't panic, I'm here! Leave this to me, that avalanche won't know what hit it!

-Koopa: Well, whatever you'll do, hurry up! It's coming!

Indeed, the menacing avalanche has already appeared before them and is zooming right at them. But with a determined look on his face, Mouser faces this avalanche.

-Mouser: Oh no you won't! No wall of snow is going to smother my man! Now eat this!

He then raises his left arm, and a large fireball appears above him.

-Mouser: World-uuuhhhh....Shaking!!

He then brings his fist crashing down, and a shimmering fireball hurtles towards the avalanche, ripping up the ground as it continues it's firey path. The fireball then collides with the avalanche, and after a brief silence, the entire mass of snow is is blown away by the projectile's impact. Triclyde is flung away in the distance, and Fryguy comes crashing down in the snow next to Koopa.

-Koopa: Oh, it's that useless twerp Fryguy....oh well, who cares?

-Fryguy: I'm scaaared....mommmmy, am I dead now?

-Koopa: Hmm, and Mouser?

He looks over to Mouser, who has exhausted himself with this technique and has fallen to his knees, breathing heavily.

-Koopa: He did it...Hey, nice job, Mouser!

Mouser looks up with big eyes, and a speech bubble that reads "!" pops up.

-Mouser: Milord...you....you mean it?

-Koopa: Yup, nice shot...I guess.

-Mouser: Yahoo! Way to go! Weeee!!

With eyeballs shaped like big pink hearts, Mouser begins to run around in ecstasy

-Mouser: Weee! Happy! He said I did a good job! I could just dieeee! Oh, I've heard him with my own ears, "nice job...luvverboy". He really said it! He said: "nice job, my love, I'm eternally grateful". And even: "Nice job, hun. I'll make it up to you tonight".

-Koopa: Uhm...I never said -that-.

-Shy-guy: And what about Mario?

-Koopa: You're right, what about Mario? Where did he go?

Cut to a shot of Mario, running down the mountain in panic.

-Mario: I'm not staying here another minute! The place is crawling with maniacs!

He runs right past a heap of snow where Yoshi and Toad are lying, barely conscious.

-Toad: Was that Mario?

-Yoshi: Dunno...

A zooming noise is the heard, and an unconscious Triclyde crashes into the snow in front of them.

-Toad: Oh, it's that nutter again.

-Yoshi: Won't anyone get us out of this snow? We're stuck, and no-one is going to free us.

-Toad: I'm never going to accept roles like this again. Not without a payment rise, at any rate.

-Yoshi: Is no-one going to get us out of here? Pleeease?

Screen zooms out to the sound of cawing crows, the cuts to a shot of a very angry-looking princess.

-Princess: Koooopaaaa, where the hell are you?! He was supposed to meet me here once he had killed Mario! What the heck is taking you so long?! You idiot! Kooopaaaa!! Here, on the double!!

Her shouting is followed by absolute silence, but after a while, a rumbling noise is heard.

-Princess: That noise....it's....

A large, rumbling wave of snow and ice then comes crashing down the mountain, and the princess begins to run away in panic.

-Princess: Nooo! I've caused an avalanche! It's not fair! No waaaayy! Kooopaaaa, get me outta here! Haaaalp!

Zoom out as the princess begins to run and shout in panic and gradually fade out.

END of this episode


 

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