Super Mario Parody Story:
The Super Mario Bros. Freaky Show!
|Mario: Yo, whoever is bothering to read
this, it's the Super Mario Brothers Freaky Show! Dah-dah-dahhh,
Episode 1: "Freaks in Love"
Fade in to a view of a typically Mediterranean harbor resort village. Blue skies, colourful architecture, cats napping on the streets, the works.
"Plumber's log, number minus 1. We were in the Mediterranean world for a relaxing weekend. However, while we weren't looking, Koopa's goons had kidnapped the princess. Yes, again. And by the time we had noticed she was missing, they had already taken her to Koopa's fort, miles away from the coast. Since the princess had all our plane tickets, hotel reservations and travelers' checks on her, it was imperative for us to rescue her sito presto! Trouble is, we needed a boat to get to Koopa's fort......"
-Luigi: I told you this would end in disaster. We'll never get hold of a boat. And even if we do find a boat, it'll be too expensive to afford. And even if we manage to rip off a boat, the police will capture us and we'll be shot for robbery. And even if we escape the police, the boat will spring a leak and we'll all drown. And even if we do reach Koopa's place, we'll be killed by Koopa's guards. It's hopeless, we had better just kill ourselves right now....
-Toad: Hey! What's wrong with you? You're lookin' kinda down to me-eeh!
-Mario: Yeah, great pep-talk, Luigi. Thanks a lot....-_-;
-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a pep-talk?
-Mario: Never mind. Let's just see if we can rent a boat, allright?
-Toad: Better yet, a yellow submarine! Yeah! Yellow submar-eeh-een!
-Mario:....*sweatdrop* Why do I even bother?
-Luigi: But I told you, we can't afford to even rent a boat, so we'll be left to die horribly here, all alone.
-Mario: That's where you're wrong! I've thought of a brilliant and 100% fool-proof plan! We sell Luigi as a slave in return for a boat! Ta-daahhhh!
Cut to next scene: a view of Koopa's castle, located high atop a cliff in the sea. Fade in to a shot of Koopa wearing a pineapple-print hawaiian shirt and floral print short trousers. He's standing in front of a mirror with a pensive look on his face. Mouser comes rushing in.
-Mouser: Lord Koopa!
-Koopa: Ah, Mouser, perfect timing! I could use some help here. I'm not sure if this outfit's right for this kind of episode. I really think I should've gone with the strapless evening dress instead. Tell me what you think, this is just not right, is it?
-Mouser: Oh, it's just fine, lord Koopa. I....*blushes*...I think you're very handsome...*blushes more*.
-Koopa: Well, that goes without saying! Now, why did you come here anyways?
-Mouser: Uhmm...Oh yes, I came to tell you that our men have captured princess Toadstool!
-Koopa: Excellent, you've finally done something right for a change! Bring her to me at once, maybe she'll be able to pick a good outfit for this episode.
-Mouser: Right away, milord!
Mouser rushes off and comes back with the princess in a few moments.
-Koopa: Very good, now leave us, Mouser.
-Mouser: Y...yes, milord.
After Mouser has removed himself from the room, Koopa addresses the princess in these words, with a big grin on his face:
-Koopa: Princess! Finally, we're together again!
-Princess: Oh, Koopa, I'm so happy to be back with you! You can't imagine how boring it is to hang out with that Mario. He has no sex appeal whatsoever! Thank heavens you're here to kidnap me. If we couldn't have fun together, I would've died of boredom long ago! Oh, and your outfit is super hot, as usual!
-Koopa: Thanks, I appreciate it. At least you've got good taste.
-Princess: *gentle voice* Oh Koopa, my despicable hunk of horrid slime, you are so disgusting. I hate you so much it hurts.
-Koopa: Hmm, I just love it when you talk dirty!
-Princess: *still in a gentle, suave voice* You are such an utterly revolting bastard, I could just puke...
-Koopa: Oooh, yeah, treat me rough...
-Princess: *giggle* Oh, we have so much fun together!
Through a window, Mouser had been watching this scene, with a look of increasingly more intense anger on his face. Speaking in himself, he delivered the following comment:
Close-up of Mouser's clenched fist, trembling with rage. Fade out and cut to the next scene: in the cantine of Koopa's castle, blue cigarette smoke is curling up towards the ceiling, and faint blues music is heard as Mouser, seated by the bar, gulps down an enormous glass of alcohol, while his "co-workers", Triclyde and Fryguy watch him.
-Triclyde: Yo, Mouser, go easy on the booze. That's your sixth glass, you're drinking like a lunatic!
-Mouser: Aahh, shaddup! I'm trying to drown the bitter pain of my heartache, so butt out, you idiot!
-Triclyde: Heartache? *amused and mocking look* Oh, I see, you've been hitting on lord Koopa again, and as usual, he turned you down flat, right? Heh heh heh, that's just typical of you.
-Fryguy: Ho ho ho ho ho, Mouser sure is slow on the uptake! He still hasn't grasped that it'll never happen between him and lord Koopa!
-Triclyde: Ha ha ha ha ha, what a sucker!
-Mouser: Shut up! You bunch of bastards!!
-Fryguy: Eeyaah, scary!
-Mouser: It's always the same! Nobody understands how I feel! Nobody realizes how much I suffer! It's so unfair! I hate you! I hate everyone! I want to dieeeee! Booooohooohoohoohoo!!
Overcome by a tide of self-pity, Mouser throws himself into a session of huge, desperate sobbing
-Fryguy: Ohhh, man, that was scary. He freaks me out when he shouts like that. I need a cigarette....
-Mouser: *sobbing like a maniac* Boohoo, I'm so miserable!
-Fryguy: *cigarette between his lips* Hmmm....maybe we've pushed him too far?
-Triclyde: Yes, maybe...Look, Mouser, don't take it so badly, we were just joking. Come on, cheer up, who knows, maybe something will someday happen between you and lord Koopa!
-Mouser: You...sniff...you really think so?
-Triclyde: Well, I dunno. Maybe it will someday happen....and then...well, and then he'll probably just dump you right away.
-Mouser: You brute! I hate you! Waaaah!!
-Fryguy: Great sense of tact, Clyde....*sweatdrop*
Cut to next scene: Mario, Luigi, Toad and Yoshi are installed in a small boat and sailing towards Koopa's castle.
-Mario: Talk about a lucky break! The guy from the boat rental store let us take a boat for free, begging us not to give him Luigi in return! He said he'd give us anything if we just kept Luigi away from him!
-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a lucky break?
-Luigi: Nobody wants me.....nobody appreciates me....I have no value.
-Yoshi: But Mario, don't you think we should've forced the boat rental guy to give us all his food and money as well as the boat....?
-Mario: Oh drat, you're right! Can we still turn back and rob him of his food and money?
-Toad: Got to turn around! Got to turn around!
-Yoshi: Nobody asked you! Well, I think it's too late to turn back, but if we do get hungry, we could always eat Luigi.
-Mario: Oh yes, that's right. And besides, we have to get to Koopa's castle and save the princess immediately! She must be suffering terrible tortures in there!
Cut to next scene. That evening, in the dining hall of Koopa's castle, the princess and Koopa are installed at a dinner table, both dressed in luxurious gala outfits. Glasses of champagne and large, red lobsters on silver plates are disposed onto their table. "Terrible tortures" indeed, it would seem.... The princess opens the conversation with these words:
-Princess: Wow, you sure know how to make one feel at home! It's really swell of you to let me borrow this dress, by the way.
-Koopa: Oh, it's nothing, I hardly wear it anymore as it is. Ostrich feathers don't look too good on me....
-Princess: Well, I'm very grateful. Here's to us!
-Koopa: Yes, to us...
Their champagne glasses clink together, and Koopa continues in these words:
-Koopa: And there will be no pesky Marios to interrupt us this time, I assure you. It's just you and me now....
However, unknown to Koopa, that last sentence was not quite true, as Mouser was standing just outside the dining room and had been secretly spying on this whole scene. Boiling with inner rage, he speaks the following words to himself:
-Mouser: Damn you, princess Toadstool, damn you to everlasting hell! How dare you do this to me?! How dare you?!!
Cut to next scene. In the castle security control room, a Koopa Troopa is intently staring at a monitor. He then picks up a microphone and belts out the following phrase:
-Koopa Troopa: Red alert! The Marios are here! They're right outside the castle gates! Everyone to battle stations!
Cut to a shot of Triclyde and Fryguy running through the castle corridors with various Goombas, while an alarm bell is ringing in the background
-Fryguy: Eek! It's the Marios! They're here! I'm scaaaared!!
-Triclyde: Oh, stop being such a baby! Our orders are to make sure that lord Koopa and the princess will not be disturbed during their candlelight supper! We mustn't fail!!
-Fryguy: But I can't go out into battle without a cigarette first! I neeeeed a cigarette!
Fryguy then stuffs his mouth with several cigarettes
-Fryguy: Got a light, Clyde?
-Triclyde: Here ya go.
Triclyde holds up a lighter in front of Fryguy. This produces the following reaction.
-Fryguy: Eeek! Keep that thing away from me! Not so close, I'll singe my skin!
-Triclyde: *sweatdrop* There's just no pleasing you....What I wonder about is, where did Mouser go? He should be here...
Cut to a shot of Mouser, still standing outside the dining room and still filled with grief and bitterness
-Mouser: For years and years, I loyally serve lord Koopa, but never once does he notice my feelings for him...and then, this little princess Toadstool brat just walks in and has candlelight suppers with him! Why....why for her and not for me?!!
Cut to next scene. Mario and his gang are standing outside the gates of Koopa's castle.
-Mario: This is hopeless, we'll never get into the castle. We've tried everything, from hurling Luigi at the door to trying to break the lock, but this door just won't budge! How will we ever get in there?!
-Toad: Fiiiind another way to me, find another way and make me free!
-Mario: You stay out of this!! Allright, there's only one option left....Yoshi, eat the door!
-Mario: No way! Yoshi, this is no time to nap! Wake up, this instant!!
Triclyde, Fryguy and a flock of nasties appear on the castle ramparts and begin to mock Mario
-Triclyde: Haaa ha ha ha, look at those morons! They're to stupid to even get past the entry door!
-Fryguy: Eeyaah, these ramparts are scary! I'm afraid of altitudes!
Mario has noticed their taunting and is now even more angered than before.
-Mario: Grrr, just you wait. I'm not going to lose to someone who's afraid of altitudes! ...Wait a minute, that's it! We'll throw Luigi over the castle walls! That way he'll be inside the castle and he can open the door from the inside!
-Luigi: No, I can't.....I'm useless, I can never do anything right....
-Mario: Oh, stop complaining!
Mario then picks up his brother and violently flings him into the air. Luigi sails through the air, and it looks as if he will indeed land inside the castle courtyard. However, Triclyde has prepared a counter-offense: several gun turrets on the castle ramparts fire Bullet Bills at Luigi. The Bullet Bills all hit their target dead-on, and a singed and toasted Luigi comes crashing down in front of Mario and the others.
-Mario: Damn, can't you do anything right, Luigi?!
-Luigi: I told you so.....
-Triclyde: Wah ha ha ha ha! You idiots! Just give it up! You'll never get in here! No way will we allow you to interrupt our great master's evening!
Cut to shot of Koopa and the princess, still seated at the deluxe dinner table, exchanging a few remarks
-Princess: Do you remember that time when you wore a Sailor Eternal Moon costume to the annual megalomaniacs conference? That was great!
-Koopa: Of course, I could never forget. I was a hit!
Camera pans out to a shot of Mouser, still standing outside the dining room, with his inner fury almost reaching breakpoint.
-Mouser: Daaaaamn you, princess Toadstool! I will never allow you to steal lord Koopa away from me! He's mine!! If you so much as lay a finger on him, you will diiiie! Aaargh!!
No longer able to contain his intense rage, Mouser rams his head against a nearby wall with his full force. Slowly, the wall he's just head-butted begins to crack, and with one huge rumble, Koopa's entire castle begins to crumble to bits. As the castle gradually crashes to the ground, the soldiers on the castle ramparts freak out.
-Triclyde: Whoaaa, what is going on?!
-Fryguy: Mommyyyy! This is scaryyyyyy!!
In a matter of minutes, the whole castle is turned into nothing but a pile of rubbles. Standing in the middle of this mess is Mouser, with a huge lump on his head. A few feet away from him, Koopa and the princess are still seated at their dinner table, only now the table is covered with debris, and they are both too stunned to talk. Small bits of rubble float in their champagne glasses. Mario is the first one to break the silence.
-Mario: Oh! There's the princess! Just as I expected, Koopa was forcing her into horrible things! Don't worry, princess, we're here! Let's go, quickly!
Mario rushed over to the table, grabs the princess's arm and drags her towards their boat. The princess suddenly snaps out of her shock and pronounces these words:
-Princess: Huh? What the? Hey, wait! I haven't finished my lobster yet! Noo, lemme go!! I never get a chance to eat lobster without paying for it! Stop it, I wanna go back! Kooopaaaa!!
But all Koopa does is sit there and stare in disbelief. The princess is dumped into the Marios' boat and they sail off into the distance. After a few moments of silence, Koopa regians his spirits and dazedly looks around. He then casually walks over to Mouser, who is still standing there with an enormous lump on his head, and begins to violently pound him with a mallet.
-Koopa: Idioooot!! This is all your doing! You complete and absolute idiot!!
After a short session of mallet-whacking, Mouser is lying on the ground in a small, crumpled pile. He comments on the situation with these words:
-Mouser: Aahhh, this pain...such an intense feeling....that is the strength of our love...mmm, yes, yes......
-Koopa:...*sweatdrop* What are you talking about?
Cut to next scene. The Marios are sailing into the sunset with their boat. Mario addresses these words to the princess:
-Mario: There, it's all over now, princess, you're safe!
-Princess: *monotone* Yeah, well, thanks a lot......
-Toad: And we've also saved our hotel reservations, plane tickets and travelers checks! Right on, baby!
-Yoshi: Is a traveler's check tasty?
-Princess: Well, about all those things...I left them in the pocket of my pink dress. I didn't take them with me when I changed into this ostrich-feathered dress Koopa lent me, so they must still be somewhere among the debris of Koopa's castle....
-All: No wayyyy!!
END of this episode